The Wrong Guy

Old News! 10/8 - 10/10

2009-10-13T12:48:00.010-06:00

With the hopes of increasing the math and science scores of American schoolchildren President Obama has proposed to lengthen the school year. So far it has only increased the numbers of uneducated protesters.

American Girl has released a new doll who's back story tells a sad tale about her father abandoning her and her mother, forcing them to live on the streets. For just $95 your daughter can have that doll or this homeless person.

The Twins beat the Tigers 6 to 5 in the twelfth to win a playoff bid. This just in Detroit has committed suicide.

A bronze statue of Helen Keller was unveiled at the U.S. Capitol on Wednesday, or was it?

Scientists at NASA have discovered a supersized ring around Saturn -- one so large that it would take 1 billion Earths to fill it. Saturn has been flaunting all up in Uranus' face. Putting Neptune in a pretty awkward situation. Ooh I love space gossip.

Old News! 10/1 - 10/3

2009-10-13T12:31:00.007-06:00

President Obama will be in Denmark this weekend to ask they bring 2012 Olympics to Chicago, and if it's not too much trouble, their healthcare system.

After their deal with Penske fell through, General Motors announced plans to discontinue Saturn. If you are an auto worker, this move will greatly effect Uranus.

When filmmaker Roman Polanski was arrested Saturday in Switzerland, Swiss filmmaker Otto Weisser said he was "ashamed to be Swiss, that the Swiss is doing such a thing to brilliant fantastic genius." Adding, "He's a brilliant guy, and he made a little mistake 32 years ago." That's right, you don't become a big mistake until you're 18.

Inside Detroit's Wayne County morgue in midtown, 67 unclaimed bodies are stacked in the freezer because the county can't afford to bury the corpses. Due to this final step towards hell on earth, sodomy will now be known as - detrointercourse or getting detrintimoit.

Old News 9/24 - 9/26!

2009-09-28T06:25:00.012-06:00

Chinese President Hu Jintao told a U.N. summit on climate change Tuesday that China will reduce greenhouse gas emissions in coming years. Presiding over a population of one billion, Hu outlined specific steps such as: cutting emissions of carbon dioxide, developing renewable energy sources, and the institution of a no-fart day.

In a 96-minute address in his first appearance before the United Nations, Qaddafi broached conspiracy theories, took aim at the structure and the actions of the Security Council, and referred to President Obama as "my son," fueling rumors that Obama is also Libyan.

According to rap artist, Common, hip-hop is finding a new direction with more rappers abandoning vacuous materialistic ideals and the glorification of vices plaguing American communities citing the reason for the movement to “the Obama effect."

Meanwhile, the United States is experiencing a bullet shortage due to gun enthusiasts stocking up on ammo, in part because they fear President Barack Obama and the Democratic-controlled Congress will pass antigun legislation, crediting the shortage to “the Obama effect.” Also due to the Obama effect – Dancing Tom Delay!

The Value Voters Summit, an annual conference that brings together members of the GOP's conservative Christian base took place this week. Speakers at the event included Tim Pawlenty, Michelle Bachmann, and Michael Schwartz, the Chief of Staff to Republican Oklahoma Senator Tom Colburn, who stated, "All pornography is homosexual pornography” Said the blind man with hairy palms, “Oh Great!”

Scientists claim they have found water on the moon, mostly due to splashback from the turlet.

Old News 9/17 - 9/19!

2009-09-28T05:57:00.010-06:00

Patrick Swayze, the hunky actor who danced his way into viewers' hearts with Dirty Dancing died Monday after a battle with pancreatic cancer at the age of 57. He will be cremated and put in a corner.

A new study of toddlers from low-income families found that spanking may have detrimental effects on behavior and mental development and is only effective when demonstrating that WalMart ain’t no playground! Dang!

Scientists have discovered the first confirmed Earthlike planet outside our solar system. The planet named CoRoT-7b doesn’t rotate and is so close to the star it orbits that it’s temperature ranges from minus-328 degrees Fahrenheit to above 3,600 degrees Fahrenheit. Molten hell fire on one side, frozen solid on the other – just like Earth.

Former President Jimmy Carter said that he believes that the outbursts at the town hall meetings and the disrespect from the congress are due to racism targeted at Barack Obama, our first Kenyan President.

Old News 9/11 - 9/12!

2009-09-13T21:36:00.014-06:00

South Carolina’s Republican Representative Joe Wilson shocked many observers Wednesday night when he shouted, "YOU LIE!" He continued, “LEELOLALOW HA HA! I’M BUSTED! DAMN IT! MY BAD, PRESIDENT OBAMA! THIS OUTBURST WAS DISRESPECTFUL TO YOUR POSITION, THE CONGRESS, AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE! I APOLOGIZE ALTHOUGH I HAVE A FEELING IT’S TOO LATE BECAUSE I’M GETTING WORD THAT MY DEMOCRATIC OPPONENT, IN THE 2010 CONGRESSIONAL RACE, ROB MILLER, JUST RECEIVED 100 THOUSAND DOLLARS IN CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS! OOH, I WONDER IF YELLING HIS NAME DURING YOUR NATIONALLY TELEVISED ADDRESS WAS A GOOD IDEA! 700 THOUSAND! MILLER’S GOT 700K! WOW THIS WAS A BAD MOVE ON MY PART! IT’S LIKE EVERYONE ALREADY HATES ME. WAIT! NOT EVERYBODY! I HAVE RAISED 200 THOUSAND DOLLARS! THAT MAKES IT A LITTLE BETTER! WELL, I’M GONNA STOP YELLING AND LET YOU GET BACK TO YOUR VERY FORMAL SPEECH ABOUT A VERY SERIOUS MATTER! ALLOW ME TO ASSIST YOU IN PICKING UP WHERE YOU LEFT OFF, YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!”

Former U.S. Sen. Norm Coleman has been diagnosed with Bell's palsy, a temporary condition that has paralyzed the left side of his face. But as a former democrat who switched parties to prolong his political career, Norm’s used to having two faces.

Women’s 800 meter gold medalist, Caster Semenya underwent testing to determine her gender after destroying the rest of the field at the World Championships in Berlin. Those test determined that she has no ovaries, but rather has internal testes. Rumors first started due to her masculine build, record breaking performances, and because if you say her name slowly it sounds like Caster’s – a – man – yeah.

A British research team has found that children with low self-esteem are more likely to be obese as adults. When asked for a comment Fat Albert stated, “Hey hey hey, how come no one’s listening to me? Hey, hey, hey it’s probably because I don’t matter.”

Archaeologists digging in a cave in the Eurasian country of Georgia have come across the world's oldest textiles: flax fibers that date back 30,000 years or more. This fiber is believed to have been part of a caveman’s tie.

Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres will join the judges' panel on "American Idol" for the show's ninth season. After a long tradition of celebrating gay men it’s nice to see them hiring a straight one.

Old News 9/3 - 9/5

2009-09-10T11:23:00.009-06:00

When responding to a report of three teens pulling the classic ding dong ditch on Governor Pawlenty a State trooper fell and injured his hip. The trooper was quoted as saying “Kew kew kew”

Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein's was discovered dead in his Manhattan apartment next to a crack pipe, a half bag of crack cocaine, and prescription drugs. This is the sad end to a series of brushes with death Goldstein experienced that included a plane crash, and being engaged to Nicole Richie.

According to the Hong Kong-based brokerage firm CLSA, Palin will be the keynote speaker at their 16th annual investor's conference in Hong Kong. Palin, however, is not on the same page as the event organizers stating, “I’m not going anywhere near that giant monkey!”

The H1N1 flu has hit the Minnesota State Fair, prompting 4-H officials to send more than 100 children home after four tested positive for the disease. When asked for a comment this pig said, "Waachoo!"

Old News 8/27 - 8/29

2009-08-31T15:22:00.018-06:00

Editor's note: The first joke was in the show but never received the uproarious laughter it deserved - enjoy my failure.

The Lion of the Senate died on Tuesday giving the title of most powerful legislator to...

Senator Shark!!!

Veteran comedian Sunda Croonquist has had a lot of success with her "mother-in-law" jokes, but her mother-in-law is suing the comic for making her the butt of too many jokes. Isn’t that just like a mother in law. I tell ya, I’m trying to get my mother in law out for some ice fishing before the ice gets to thick. Ooh! This guy knows what I’m talking about! My mother in law’s other car is a broom. Don’t get me wrong, my mother in law has a beautiful face… two of ‘em!

17-year-old, Mike Perham became the youngest person to sail solo around the world when he returned to UK waters. During his nine-month, 30,000 mile voyage he battled 50ft waves, gale force winds and constant boners.

For years, Indian producers have been knocking off Hollywood films scene-for-scene and turning them into Bollywood blockbusters. Now, after years of ignoring the plagiarism, American moviemakers have begun suing their counterparts in India. Also implicated in the lawsuit:

Dollywood

Plywood

Smallywood

Old News 8/20 - 8/22

2009-08-24T08:12:00.017-06:00

While on vacation to the Grand Canyon with the President and their daughters, Michele Obama stepped off of Air Force One in shorts that ended above the knee causing many to criticize her conduct for showing her legs. Michele Obama has rectified the situation with a legs burka.

Former US homeland security chief Tom Ridge charges in a new book that George W. Bush and members of his cabinet pressured him to raise the "terror alert" level for political reasons. For example, during the Enron scandal it was raised to red and during the November 2004 election it was raised to "Orange You Glad John Kerry Is Gay".

As football season starts up the ritual of two-a-day practice is under review with the increase of deaths from heatstroke or in the Vikings’ case just regular stroke.

Brett Favre played in his first game as a Viking. Brett left the Packers after the 2007 season because of this man.

Since 2004, then Green Bay Packer and superbowl winner, Brett Favre went 6 – 2 against the Vikings, passing for over 2000 yards and scoring 20 touchdowns, even setting the record for most touchdown passes in the metrodome. This is either his debut, or the most elaborate trap ever conceived.

Diver Rich Hughes was exploring a shallow shipwreck when he found a 128 year – old, silver pocket watch. The watch is running a million hours slow.

Last weekend saw the end of the cash for clunkers program but the beginning of my candies for handies program.

Old News 8/13 - 8/15

2009-08-17T07:32:00.014-06:00

General Motors announced Tuesday that its forthcoming Chevrolet Volt, will get fuel economy of 230 miles per gallon. Since their bankruptcy and government buyout they have achieved this feat by getting back to basics.

The world's population is forecast to hit 7 billion in 2011. The largest growth is expected to happen in developing nations and Utah.

Right wing militias, absent since the Clinton Administration, are on the upswing again. This is due to the perfect storm of an African – American president, a liberal congress, and a struggling economy. In the interest of fairness, I should say there are also left wing radicals, they’re just not as scary.

Aerosmith's lead singer Steven Tyler fell off the stage at a South Dakota concert last week. Mystery continues to surround the 61 – year – old’s condition as the only reports that have been released were concerning the health of this woman.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver, 88, a member of a political dynasty who devoted her life to improving the welfare of mentally disabled people and founded the Special Olympics, died Tuesday at Cape Cod Hospital. I have no joke for this as any attempt to make fun of this accomplished and graceful hero would be retarded.

Old News 8/6 - 8/8

2009-08-12T22:17:00.007-06:00

The American Psychological Association concluded Wednesday that there is little evidence that efforts to change a person's sexual orientation from gay or lesbian to heterosexual are effective. The study claimed that though you can't choose homosexuality you can catch it from the floors of rest stop bathrooms.

Two Russian attack submarines have been cruising in the Atlantic 200 miles off the East Coast of the United States. Pentagon spokesman Geoff Morrell said, "Shhh...Nobody move.”

Old News!

2009-08-05T08:54:00.004-06:00

Brett Favre has decided against signing with the Minnesota Vikings. In his place they have signed this equivalent.

Harvard professor, Henry Louis Gates Jr., President Barack Obama, and Cambridge Police Sgt, James Crowley got together for a beer to calm the racial tensions their recent actions have ignited. There were no survivors.

Old News!

2009-07-29T10:35:00.010-06:00

So in March I posted that I would be trying to deliver the same news content that I did during the show last fall.

Either nothing happened for the past 4 months or... FAIL!

But the good news is the new show requires an updated news segment. There are only so many slots and so much going on so I will be delivering the jokes that didn't make it into the show!

Because who doesn't love no-longer-topical, second-rate material?

In Last Weeks News...

Paula Abdul's may not be invited back for another season as a judge on "American Idol." Apparently the show took two steps forward as she took one step back.

Some of the major reasons Sarah Palin cited for her early resignation of the Alaskan governorship were the pressure and financial costs of battling allegations of violating state ethics laws. In order to help defray the $500,000 in legal fees Palin has set up a public donation – based legal defense fund which is a violation of state ethics laws. Please remember this in 2012.

History was made as protection for former Vice President Dick Cheney has been extended beyond the standard duration as they ordinarily only receive Secret Service protection for the first six months after leaving office. This comes after the revelation that for the past 6 months the security detail was protecting this man...

Darkness fell across parts of Asia on Wednesday morning as a total solar eclipse passed across China. The Chinese National Population and Family Planning Committee witnessed a new record of 50,000 babies born with the name Moon Block Sun.

In tech news, a significant redesign is finally coming to the Yahoo.com home page.

News!

2009-03-12T13:40:00.017-06:00

A couple of shows ago I got to do a news segment. I really enjoyed it. I miss following the news as closely as I did during that show, so I have decided to try it out on a weekly basis.

TEXAS PRANGERSIDENT?

In a WorldNetDaily article Actor Chuck Norris wrote that he would be interested in becoming the president of Texas, if the state were ever to secede from the Union.
The actor claimed “thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation” adding, if states decide to secede from the union, Texas would lead the way.
He has already drawn up his plan to take on the problems plaguing America

Economy – FIST!
Healthcare – HITCHKICK, FIST!
Stem cells – TINY FIST!
Iraq – ROUNDHOUSE KICK, UPPERCUT, SIPHON, SIPHON, FIST!

SIT ON IT PONZI!

Accused Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff arrived Thursday at federal court in New York, where he is expected to plead guilty to 11 criminal counts after allegedly stealing billions of dollars from more than 4,000 victims through his investment firm. The 70-year-old defendant could face a maximum 150-year sentence if convicted, or a minimum of 20 years.

Excited about having a financial expert join him in prison, Inmate 734627 stated, “I’m going to rape him.”
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REALLY? EVEN NOW?

More than 74,000 homes were lost to bank repossessions during February, up from 67,000 in January. These results confounded expectations: A downtrend had been expected due to the numerous foreclosure moratoriums in effect during the month. Said RealtyTrac spokesman Rick Sharga, "The moratoriums were led by big players like Fannie and Freddie and all the major banks… The fact that foreclosures still went up was a shock."

Adding, “Did I say shock? I meant given.”

INFALLIBLE.COM

The Pope has admitted making mistakes over the lifting of the excommunication of Holocaust-denying Bishop Richard Williamson. The church said Benedict was not aware of Williamson's views on the Holocaust when the excommunication was lifted even though it was widely available on the Internet.

Due to this scandal you must now trust the Pope less than this.

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BALANCED BREAKFAST

After a photograph surfaced of the Olympic gold medalist, Michael Phelps, using a bong, Kellogg's ended his endorsement deal. General Mills quickly swept up Phelps and his picture is due to appear on boxes of their cereal.
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What? Were you expecting this?

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Fuck that! He's won 14 golds in 2 olympics. That's more than you, you judgemental bastard. Let the man smoke.

RUN FOREST, RUN!

Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have broken up.
The mutual split happened "a few weeks ago," according to a source close to the couple, but it's unclear what precipitated it… other than the “4 months past losing on election day” escape clause in his contract.

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ABUSED KIDS'CHOICE

Although Chris Brown is charged with assaulting his girlfriend, Rihanna, cable network, Nickelodeon refused to take his name out of the running for a Kids’ Choice Award. Only after he bowed out did the children’s programming channel agree to the decision. One Nickelodeon exec stated,
“, the
of the award was on a dare, a actually, but things are getting . Hey, we can’t all be . I guess
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That's the news this week, Goodbye and Fuck You.

Cold Liberal Texas

2009-03-11T12:07:00.003-06:00

Can you believe this weather? It dropped 50 some odd degrees yesterday. Almost got the frostbite on my fingertips last night. I am not going to leave the house for any reason other than WATCHMEN! What What!?

I'm excited to see this movie, any movie really. I watch most of my movies in my basement long after everyone else. Same thing with cable TV. I am always at least one season behind. I just started The Wire. It's coming on Netflix, but I have a theory that all Mpls Blockbuster Season 1 Disc 3s are sitting in the apartment of a dead man who will not be found until the spring thaw. He was killed by D.

Is anyone else annoyed that Obama is getting bashed for getting shit done in office? It's like America got so used to a president messing up everything he touched that we don't want anybody to do anything. Is it possible that freeing up stem cell research, rehabbing health care, and investing in the education system might just be part of some long term vision so that maybe we can have healthy, intelligent people populate our country in the future?

The only reason they're mad is because it's not what they want. A lot of people didn't want to roll back our civil rights, or invade an uninvolved country, or tank our economy. Shut the fuck up and take it. You got four years until you have another say.

Speaking of my liberal slant, I spent the weekend in Texas. Alicia and I flew down to help her mother's side celebrate her grandfather's 80th birthday. Texas was great as was Alicia's family. Everyone gave me a real warm welcome. That was my first time meeting the whole family. I come from a large Irish family on my mother's side and have had girlfriends over for dinner when everyone was there/ seen my sisters and cousins bring people over. This was my first time on the other side of that. That shit is overwhelming.

We got to see some Texas sports while we were there ie. a 7 yr old girls soccer game. That was great. Alicia's cousin scored a goal. The parents along the sideline were the real attraction. That sugary sweet southern accent wondering if/hoping the Mexican girl is hurt so her daughter can play is all the show I could hope for.

We went to see some improv in Ft. Worth. A troupe called Four Day Weekend. A couple of the guys trained at Second City. They were good. A nice blend of short form with some longer character pieces all with a strong Ft. Worth bend to 'em. David Wilk did a cool improvised rendition of COPS which I guess films in FW a lot. A guy in the backseat had a small handheld camera on night vision and that image was wired into a large drop screen and then he pulled an audience member to ride shotgun.

The same guy played a kid in a Romo jersey looking for a Big Brother of America (audience member) to fill the void of an absent father then throws the pigskin around throughout an interview. In both of those scenes the interviews of the audience member were amazing. In the first, the lady was there with her husband's boss (wierd) and she didn't know what her husband did for a living (what?) but he worked for Siemen's (c'mon!). And the second guy left a CFO position with Ping Golf to become a bracelet-winning poker champion. Are you kidding me? The whole show could've been picking that guys brain.

Here are some differences between Dallas and Minneapolis.

Down There - - - - - Up Here
Warm - - - - - - - - Cold
Golf in March- - - - No golf in March
Conservative - - - - Liberal
Loud opinions- - - - Quiet whining
Aggressive driving - You know how you drive

Anyway, it's good to be back. I've heard tales of the amazing job that Chris Campo did as my understudy and I want to say Thanks Chris! I hear Cock Blocko will never be the same.

Speaking of that, I should review my lines.

Hobby

2009-03-04T15:30:00.002-06:00

This is what I've been doing instead of exercise, blogging.

This is actually my third blog of the day.
The first was a list of why I wasn't jogging, and then a list of why I should be.
The second was a comment on how depressed I became while making those lists.
Then I fucked with my blog layout for a while, and now I'm writing this.

I am a master at procrastination. If it wasn't so easy to do, I would charge people for lessons, but it is not a skill. Maybe someday we will make contact with a type A alien race and they will have need for my special abilities. Until then, I will not be doing what I should be doing, which is building a large satellite dish to find these uptight aliens.

Fuck it. I'm going for a walk and then I'm gonna do some other kinds of exercise just to punish myself for being lazy. Exercise is a punishment not an an activity. Why don't I have the exercise gene?

I recently heard someone reply to the question, "What are your hobbies?" with "working out." Is working out a hobby? I guess it is. But if working out classifies as a hobby then so does watching TV and both of those hobbies make you equally boring. Unless you watch awesome stuff that makes you more intelligent, or do awesome stuff that people will be interested to hear about.

If it's, "I blasted my quads at the gym..." or, "On this one episode of Still Standing..." then you suck. Your hobby sucks.

Fuck me, my hobbies suck.

March, march, march

2009-03-02T09:38:00.002-06:00

March is here. Can you feel it? I can. I have spent 800% more time this week outside than over the last month and a half. I plan on going for a hike this afternoon with my dogs who can also feel spring coming. They smile more and they stopped telling me to kill.

This was a long winter for ol' Josh "Tubb" E. I'm not one of those people with body image issues. In fact, I would say that a healthy dose of feeling unattractive might do me some good. But numbers don't lie and I am tipping the scales to the tune of 205. Now, I run heavy anyway. At my most emaciated I am 170. No one wants to see that. That was after 3 months of living in the wilderness. I look unsteady due to my enormous head. But I do tend to find my clothes fit and I feel fit around 180. That's the goal.

Maybe if I write down the annual (sometimes bi-annual) weight drop, it will give doctors some insight as to why I died so early. I should probably add in the weight gain too, but that won't happen until next November. November is a bear. Halloween candy, birthday cake, Thanksgiving feast, Christmas cookies. This year was extra special because January was full of travel which is bad for my eating habits. Plus the negative degree weather kept me pretty much immobile.

Healthy sounds like a nice alternative right now, maybe it's the sunlight, maybe it's the fact that my pants are trying to cut me in half.

See the big me in a diaper before I slim down in How To Make Love Like A Minnesotan: Sleepless In Shakopee

Also, come see Chris Campo play my parts this weekend. He's gonna be great!

Also 6 Ring Circus: 7:30pm and 9pm Tuesdays at the BNW

Oh yeah, finally watching Ken Burns' The War. It is so good. I know I'm like the last guy to watch it but if you haven't yet, rent it.

And there's a new Futurama movie out. I think this one sets up the rumored theater release movie. Yay!

2009-02-24T10:30:00.002-06:00

Well since the new show, How To Make Love Like A Minnesotan: Sleepless In Shakopee opened we've received some nice reviews.

Here

Here

And here

They all liked it, yay!

This show is a lot of fun to do. I have a couple of really fun scenes and a lot of costume changes and props. As Mike said, it's like everyone else is in a Brave New Workshop show and I'm in a Carol Burnett show. I have 3 awesome toys I get to play with, one instrument, 2 wigs used in 4 scenes, 2 pairs of glasses, 2 beverages, 1 shirt, 1 house coat, 1 diaper, 1 set of wings, and some other stuff too. Before opening I had a full cowboy costume and a puppet but those got cut.

Last night I had the pleasure of doing improv with Joe Bozic for 50+ Boy Scouts ages 5-10. Oh man are they a great audience. It was like the Bozo Show. They were losing their minds. We'd ask for a suggestion and they would scream for as long and as loud as they needed to be heard. Luckily the Boy Scouts have a signal for shut the fuck up: the peace sign. That worked pretty well.

Couple of things I saw last night:

~A tall kid wearing mom-style khakis that nearly covered his chest but left his shins exposed. Poor kid, I'm sure he has no idea what the hell is happening to his legs. And I'm sure his mom bought those pants last week and they fit perfect.

~Another tall kid wearing mom-style jeans with the cuffs shoved into moon boots. I can sympathize with that kid, tho I'm still not as tall as him.

~Two kids practicing high fives while spinning and accidentally knocking the water out of a dad's hands as he protected his groin. This reminded me of my father as an incident like that would have poisoned him against that kid and his parents for at least a month.

~The same hi-5 kids practicing next to a third boy who, when his hi-5 went unnoticed, hi-5ed himself... twice.

~Also, a brutal nut shot.

I learned some interesting things about the scouts too. They are almost 100 years old in America. Kids started it based on a book, but the author organized when he got back from Africa.

I was a failure as a Boy Scout, but was a kick ass Indian Guide. It's always seemed cooler to me. Plus, you go camping with your dad which is what all kids want to do. Hanging out with Johnny Scout Leader isn't as fun, no matter what you learn. Plus there's the whole creepy, anti-gay, but still molesty thing going on.

Here is a "tribal chant" my dad and I came up with one night after we had a fire.

Embers, embers
Red hot coals
We are a tribe
Of the Seminoles

SHOW OPENS!

2009-02-13T12:10:00.003-06:00

Well, the new show opens tonight. This is the end of a very hectic two months. This blog, for example, hasn't been blogged on for a month and that was bullet points which only reinforces how busy I was. After this weekend I am going to take in a deep breath and relax through next week.

I am going to have the house to myself for the whole week. So much pizza and Icecream and movies and gigantic sodas and malts oh my god the malts. I'll see you all on the other side of a coronary.

Seriously though, I need to fight the urge to do that - my pants aren't comfortable. I must aspire to baggy jeans? No. Relaxed fit. I feel like I haven't left the house in nearly three months. Another crazy winter kept me indoors.

Last winter it snowed big beautiful snow in December and then instantly froze into ice and never snowed again until late February. This winter we've gotten low snow totals, and it stayed below zero for like three weeks straight. Bogus. I like a winter I can play in.

Anyway, come and see this show! It's great. I'm very proud of it. Booya!
Here's a link for tickets How To Make Love Like A Minnesotan Or Sleepless In Shakopee!

Quick view

2009-01-12T18:38:00.002-06:00

Who's got time to blog anymore.

Bullet Point Holidays

- 29 shows in 27 days
- Friends in/out
- Alicia's family in/out
- More friends in/out
- Alicia in Hawaii
- My family in/out
- Write the new show
- Me in California
- Figure out sketcfest
- Write the new show
- Figure out sketchfest
- Write new show.

All of it good.

Back to work.

Sleep, Clean, Work

2008-12-20T11:06:00.002-06:00

After spending 14 hours at the theater on THursday, I slept for 16 hours.

Today a regular 8 seems to have done the trick.

I have been left in charge of cleaning the house while Alicia gets some shopping done. That is why I'm blogging. I fucking hate cleaning. Everyone's house should be messy. Everyone makes messes, it's snowy out so boot prints across the floor should be commonplace. THe problem is this...

1. The Bubonic Plague - got everyone using soap
2. 1 Uptight fuck - if one person cleans, damning judgement becomes a factor

Plus it's all a lie. I've thought this since I was a kid and my mom would make us clean for company. That was not what our house looked like. My dad's briefcase was exploded on the dining room table, my mom's nook was filled with old bills and telephone books, then add three kids' shit everywhere. "No, no one has ever walked on these floors before you. No, no one has ever used the kitchen before. No, no one has ever had explosive diarrhea in that toilet, enjoy."

Wednesday began the 22 shows in a row (minus Xmas Eve and Xmas), followed by, I believe, the most interesting month the cast of the Brave New Workshop will have experienced in my time here anyway. Two weeks out of January will bring 2/3 of the cast and our director out of town for corporate trainings and shows, one weekend will be us in Chicago for Sketchfest '09, we will be writing our next show the entire time and have the show ready for previews by February. I love it. It's going to be very exciting. I love my job.

Come see this show...

All I Want For Xmas Is $700 Billion

Listen to our podcast...

PODCAST!

Fuck it, time to clean, then shovel, then clean again, then shovel again.

The Bears Game - 2008

2008-12-15T09:29:00.002-06:00

For the second year in a row John, Mike, Adam, and I headed to the Metrodome (aka the worst place in the world) to see the Chicago Bears take on the Minnesota Vikings.

Last year we sat behind a woman, her daughter, and some wierd uncle figure, possibly mom's boyfriend. Long story short, she simulated masturbation with a Vikings car antenna flag at John and he said something that would haunt her dreams for months. Meanwhile across the aisle, three frat boys were giving Adam the "fisting your ass" gesture. And Mike was hit in the head by a projectile water bottle. Needless to say it was a delightful time.

This year we found our seats and once again we were sitting behind the same family minus uncle boyfriend. This year mom wouldn't turn around. She took herself out of the equation completely, and daughter was determined to have a civil time. Behind us was a band of lovely Viking's fans. Holy smokes this could be a lovely time for all.

But wait... two rows up, could it be? Yes, the most obnoxious couple in the world. The wife was drunk, the husband was a spaz. There was a late hit on Frerotte. He turned, pointed at John and exclaimed, "That was bullshit and you know it" as if John had not only called the play, but executed it as well. Later when the Vikings scored a touchdown he did a retarded version of the sprinkler dance.

Another group of Bears fans told the drunk lady to sit down and she explained for a half hour how she was cheering for her team at her stadium and well within her rights. To make her point she didn't sit down for more than a second for the rest of the game which forced me to stand for the rest of the game.

Later the Bears fans in their row and the drunken skankwife got into a shoving match.

Once again the Bears lost. That's two years in a row that I have gone into the shittiest field in the NFL (also MLB, NCAA, and monster truck circuit) and watched the Vikings take out the Bears. I hate it. I can take a loss, but losing surrounded by the stupidest of the stupid, the trashiest of the trashy, the reddest of necks is unbearable.

I hate you all, Vikings fans. May you pay for your behavior by never winning a Superbowl.

Unadventful... that's fucking clever.

2008-12-13T16:06:00.002-06:00

Opened the show - it's doing very well - sell out crowds - solid improv sets.

Shot home for Thanksgiving. Here are the bullet points...
- Steve threw up all over the place 10 minutes from home
- Brought the kids foam swords - chaos
- Asked my best buds to stand up in my wedding
- Got to see some of the extended family - great!
- Shot up to see Alicia's fam
- Got home and started the crazy month of shows.

Have been at or doing something for the theater since the 1st. Classes, trainings, 6 Ring, shows - all of it. It feels good. Feels like good honest work. Sometimes my job can be so fun that I feel like I'm getting away with something.

Went to Memphis last week. Never made it to Graceland. Maybe next time. Had some good steak though at a place called Buckley's - check it out. Next time more Elvis and BBQ.

Put up the first Xmas tree in our new house. Sentimental? Sure. ABsolutely bare because Alicia and I have zero ornaments? You betcha. Does Steve have sap on his head because he likes to drink the water from the base? Yup!

More shows all month. If I don't blog there is no news - just shows nearly every day. STop by and you'll get all caught up.

XMAS SHOW!

PODCAST!

2008-11-22T06:52:00.002-06:00

The show is open!

It's a funny show. Come and see it, tell your friends.

I'm up incredibly early because my dog Beagle likes to whistle, inches from my face, at 5am. Sometimes this whistle means, "Fuck you, move your legs so I can sleep on your bed." Other times this whistle means, "Hey fuck face, I gotta pee. Also, feed me. And when you're wide awake I'll be up here sleeping in your bed." She owns me.

After a busy preview month and before the hectic holiday show schedule, Alicia and I are going to get away for Thanksgiving. We'll be driving (What up $2 gas?) a total of 15 hours in the next week or so. Here's the problem with that: Our other dog gets pretty nasty motion sickness. We'll be giving him some dramamine, but you should see this guy. In the 20 minutes it takes to get Alicia to work, his entire face is wet with drool. He looks like beethoven's miniature brother. Last time he was in the car he threw up in Beagle's lap.

Poor dogs.

There is a show on PBS this morning that seems to be a cooking show now, but the last time I looked the same guy was in a Mexican cave with no shirt on. Now he's giving a hammock tutorial. This show has everything.

Coffee and Crosswords!

BNW Christmas Show!

BNW Podcast!

Previews, 30, Old Shows

2008-11-16T02:30:00.003-06:00

Well here we are at the end of previews - weekend 1. Our new show, All I Want For Christmas Is 700 Billion Dollars; Our 50th Noel is already great, but it's going to get even better. There is one more preview on Thursday and then we open the show on Friday.

Some sketches still need to get cut and we have an idea of which ones those will be. The beautiful thing about this show is the sketches that will be cut are all good and work but others just work better. At this point of the process all sentimental attachment is replaced by a desire to put a sketch out of it's misery, like an old dog... sad but better.

Turned 30 last week. Haven't had any time to ponder the meaning of 30, but I'm fairly certain I wouldn't find anything big. Closed the election show on my birthday. That was nice - little built in party along with the cookies and cream cake Alicia brought. So good.

Honestly, the election show was the best 30th birthday present a guy could ever get. Satirizing the historical election was amazing. It made me wonder if all elections have been this crazy or if this one truly stands out. First of all, McCain was such a wildcard. Then he brings this wildercard, Palin, onto his team. It was all day.

We hit those guys hard. It wasn't just because of the old and the stupid (although that was always there when you needed it). It was because a losing campaign is losing for a reason causing knee-jerk reactions which then make the news which we read and then turn into jokes and skitches.

Then Bachmann? For an American it was scary, but for a comedian, like manna from heaven.

And hell, Franken Coleman is still happening.

The economic crisis? Making fun of the economic crisis that threatens my job may just let me keep my job. That's a comedic mobius strip.

The RNC in St. Paul? C'mon! This was Minnesota's year for political satire and we were there. Well, not St. Paul. I still haven't been, but I hear it's clean.

Watching everyone in the cast knock it out week in and week out, change things, drop sketches, add new ones. Joe's Obama, Ellie's Palin and Bachmann, Lauren's Clinton... and ultimately her McCain, Bobby's Roosevelt, Mike expressing his desire to eat cute girl's hair. All of it was amazing.

Throughout the week I would write jokes, or ideas for jokes from the news with Friday being the all day coordination day. There wasn't enough time to write a joke on everything that deserved one, nor enough time in the show to deliver them. It was, week in and week out, a buyer's market... a seller's market? I'm no good with money. It was awesome.

But that show has been put to bed. I will always remember it fondly.

Now it is time to celebrate Christmas on a budget - something new for a few but quite normal for most of us. Lots of shows between now and closing. Don't miss it!

Adorable reunites today at IAGG for some improvised fun - Mmm, improv with some of my favs. That'll be fun.

Good Morning Mr. President

2008-11-05T09:05:00.002-06:00

What an amazing night.

Alicia and I gathered at the Beukema's house for an election party last night. So much fun watching the electoral votes tally up for Obama. It was nice to have our voices heard after 8 long years. It was nice to have people vote out of hope rather than fear. It was nice to feel connected to my country in a way I haven't known for most of my adult life. It was nice to feel a welling pride in my country.

Cried like a baby. Not just last night while President-elect Obama was telling the story of the 106 year old Ann Nixon Cooper and the amazing changes she has seen in her lifetime, but also this morning when I heard a clip of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech. For those of us who have felt frustrated over the last 8 years it put that in perspective. It reminded me of what an amazing country this really is and that although we may be impatient and things may look like they'll never get better, in one long lifetime .

I am encouraged to know that my nephews and niece will grow up in a world where a minority holding the highest office in the land isn't as crazy of an idea as it was only 25 years ago. It may not be immediate but a new day of equality is coming to this country. I wonder what I will see in my final days.

Congratulations to President-elect Obama and his family, VP-elect Biden and his family, and to my friend Katie who has worked as hard as I've seen anyone work to help make this happen. She believed in him from day 1 and she and her co-workers did what they said could not be done. I am so proud of her and I'm glad to know that people like her are out there working to make the world a better place so that I can make fun of it.

I truly hope that one day I get to satirize you Katie. You are the next generation of leader in this country.

Crying again. It's a new day. Good Morning Mr. President.

2008-10-19T16:09:00.003-06:00

Go Bears Baby!

What a game. The Bears should always beat the Vikings. I would be happy with a 2-14 season if both wins were humiliating defeats of the Vikings.

My dad taught me how to be a Bears fan and a Cubs fan although those aren't hard things to teach. Hell when I was at the height of impressionable I saw the Bears win the Super Bowl and release a single that caused a lunchroom fury not seen since Willy Wonka opened his factory to the public. The Cubs had lovable Harry Caray as their announcer and one day at Wrigley is all anyone needs to become a lifelong fan. Both teams had the greatest players for an 8 year old: Jim McMahon (who my dad hated what with the sunglasses and all the attitude), Walter Payton, The Fridge, Coach Ditka, Ryne Sandburg, Andre Dawson, Rick Sutcliffe, Mark Grace.

I got sidetracked reminiscing but the point was my dad turned 69 yesterday. Yes he is the most hilarious age a person can reach. Any time you have to fill out a form or answer the question you get to respond with 69. When I'm 69 if I am lucky enough to live that long ( my feet ache!) I will respond with, "two people with their genitals in each other's mouths." How old am I you ask? I'm two people with their genitals in each other's mouths years old. How old are you? 4! Good for you!

I will be 30 in less than a month. That means my dad and I have a nearly 40 year generation gap. It's like 2 generations worth of gap. We haven't always seen eye to eye on things and highschool was rough but once I left the house for college, I felt our friendship begin to repair itself. As time has gone on and I have gotten older I understand him more and more. I realized that what he told me so many times was true, "One day you'll look back and see that I'm right." Happy birthday Dad.

SHOWS
IMPROV A GO GO Sunday @ 8pm @ BNW - $1

6 RING CIRCUS Tuesday @ 7:30pm @ BNW - $1

CREATURE FEATURE Thursday @ 8pm! - $10

THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WAR HERO Friday @8pm, Saturday @7&10pm! - $23 - $25

BNW AFTERPARTY Friday @10pm! - $8

To Do: Save The World

2008-10-16T08:22:00.003-06:00

When numbering items on a to do list blogging is always numbered "last".

Especially when to do list includes, "Fix Economy, Make History, Keep Next President Alive (no matter who wins), Fix Furnace"

Election seasons are crazy insane. So much has happened since the last time I blogged. We had another presidential debate where McCain wandered around aimlessly and referred to Obama as "That one", a non racial comment that everyone has blown way out of proportion. As a human being it annoys me, as a comedian it is like God's celebrating my birthday early.

Then in response the McCain Palin (or as Palin likes to call it the "Palin McCain administration") campaign increased the attacks whipping up all sorts of angry mobs at their rallies. Creating a clearly racist fervor that even McCain had to put the kibosh on. Blows my mind.

Then we had the third and final debate last night. Haven't seen it all yet, but it seemed to have a lot of bite. Obama seemed to keep his cool while McCain had an almost panicked grimace on his face while he went on the attack. All the while talking to Joe the plumber who when interviewed says his American dream is to own a home a couple of guns and a bass boat (leaving his kid(s) out of the equation), we should close the borders even though his last name is Wurzelbacher and I'm guessing he has at least one immigrant in his family tree, and seems willing to wage war Ohio Militia style to get what he wants.

The consensus seems to be that Obama has won all three debates. But in our country that doesn't mean you win. Cause why would you put the guy with better reasoning skills, and the ability to win an argument with words in charge? There is also the chance of something crazy happening with 19 days to go.

Meanwhile the stockmarket has crashed, spiked, and criked, and spashed. It is all over the place. I'm not sure where it is now, but I've learned that it doesn't matter. It is a good tool, like the terror alert system, to cause panic and fear. The nobel winning economist I saw said that jobs and houses are the better numbers to gauge our economy...he than said it's gonna get a whole lot worse. Yay!

Next time this happens, and it will because we're stupid, remind me to buy shares in campbell's soup.

So the country is becoming divided over race, the economy is going down the toilet which is causing all other countries to take a dive too, we were already isolating ourselves and now they have more reason to not trust/hate us. Am I forgetting something? Oh the war, and impotence on Capturing Bin Laden, and global warming, remember those? I almost didn't.

If you would like to forget about the world for an hour I have your pills!

CREATURE FEATURE & THE SURVIVORS OF THE UNDEAD PLAUGUE - all improvised monster movie double featured with an all improvised zombie movie - BNW 8pm tonight and every Thursday in October! $10

THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WAR HERO - satirical sketch show lampooning the election - BNW 8pm Friday, 7&10pm Saturday through Nov 8! $23 - $25

THE BNW AFTERPARTY - improv, video, sketch, late night variety show - BNW 10pm Friday! $8

IMPROV A GOGO - the best improvisers from all over the Cities together in one theater - BNW 8pm Sundays! $1

6 RING CIRCUS - the best improvisers from the Brave New Institute together in one theater - BNW 7:30pm Tuesdays! $1

Gwuerff

2008-10-06T14:15:00.004-06:00

Ka fucking Blam!

The thursday night debates were, just were. Biden clearly won, but I gotta give Sarah Palin and her Handlers credit. When someone sucks at answering questions have them not answer questions. It's a brilliant strategy. Like telling a doctor it hurts when you do this and him saying don't do that... pay me. I'm not unimpressed.

It's sad that such a mediocre performance is acceptable to nearly 50% of the population. It's also sad that half of the American people have no problem putting stupid people in the oval office. Our country has turned down two smart men who seemed too elitist/numbers-oriented/having-of-a-plan for the worst president in history. It's not his fault, it's ours. We've had lots of shots. It blows my mind that Bush took office on the premise of restoring dignity to the White House, and that even this race is a close as it has been. We are stupid, as a country, very stupid.

It seems that we may have reached a bit of a tipping point. Michigan fell to Obama and Pennsylvania and Minnesota are back to leaning blue, but the economy is the only real reason, not good sense.

Are we at the endtimes? Is that what everyone is betting on? I've said it before, but I hope it is. I hope everyone gets exactly what they want. Just to see the look of surprise in all their eyes when the rapture comes and they are left behind. That wish probably is enough to exclude me, but I'm guessing I'm not on Santa's "nice" list. Are you kidding me? Jesus has a list too, and your present is Heaven? C'mon Christians. How many end of days deadlines must we live through before we just try and live as long as we can?

Speaking of end of days, CREATURE FEATURE and THE SURVIVORS OF THE UNDEAD PLAGUE is on this Thursday @ 10pm @ the Brave New Workshop! Only 4 more shows!

Only 5 more weekends of The Lion, The Witch, and The War Hero - Fridays @ 8pm, Saturdays @ 7 and 10pm!

I read the Left Behind series, I'm ready for some seven years of hell on earth. Actually, I stopped after book 11, did Jesus come back? What happened? Wait! Don't tell me. Let it be a surprise.

Went to the orchestra on Sunday. It was Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms. I slept through most of it. So Soothing. Culture-y dreams.

Go to 6 Ring Circus and Improv A Go Go too. Tuesdays @ 730pm and Sundays @ 8pm respectively. Hop on it!

Wait! Not there!

Ka fucking Blam!

Rock Party Camp Lottery Christmas Go!

2008-09-29T08:42:00.003-06:00

Since the last post some stuff happened.

Got to perform at the Ivey Awards. That was fun. I played The Obama Song from the current show. We normally play it with no microphones, but at the State Theater our guitars and we were miked. It sounds so great to blast a song out. Kind of a rock star moment.

The party afterward was a trip. It reminded me of high school - at the peak of my awkwardness. I remember walking through the hallways and seeing a group of theater kids and knowing in my heart that I would never understand them or be one of them. And even after performing as one of their peers(?), I knew in my core that I did not belong there.

Thank god for the other misfits that work at the Brave New Workshop. They made the party enjoyable. What a great place to work. The only way I can describe it is in bad 80s movie simile. It's like the caddy shack/ ski hill/ summer camp/ carwash filled with really great people that all truly care about each other. One kid's kinda retarded, one kid always has a boner, one kid is good with explosives. Losers alone, but together they are the rag tag team that will always defeat the rich asshole/ developer/ camp on the other side of the lake/ space aliens. That is the BNW.

The shows went well this week. Alicia's parents got to see it. It's really nice for them to come and see shows, plus it looks more like a job when they see it along side paying customers. I understand the worry there. Having an actor marry your daughter is on par with your son in law assuring you he has a plan to take care of your daughter and then flashing a powerball ticket.

Soviet Menace performed the last of it's three A GoGo shows last night. Oh man, we really fucked around with it. Thank god Troy took control because I was pretty useless. Having fully embraced capitalism, Soviet Menace put on a Christmas special with music, and commercials, and special guests - Thanks Fingergun! And killer set you guys. So tight. Ralphie's room, and Donna #1 - Holy Cats.

Now it's onto chores, and making the Bozic's some dinner - better start pumping now if I'm gonna get any milk. Yeesh.

Go Detroit - I want to say go White Sox - but if the Twins and a team that shall remain nameless go to the World Series I'll have a better chance at watching a game. If the White Sox and unsaid team go, the BNW may need 3 understudies.

GObama - way to tie a guy with way more experience then you on foreign affairs. Keep it up.

Go Bears! We are tied for first at 2 - 2!

Go CREATURE FEATURE - this and every Thursday in October! YAY!

24 Down - OLEO

2008-09-21T22:50:00.003-06:00

Holy coffee cans full of money buried in the backyard!

So our economy is crashing. Times have been tight for a while for most of us, I think it the duty of the rest of us to cover the asses of the reckless greedy. Why? Because we will. Hell I have no idea what it even means. The economy is taking drastic losses and gains and I have an inkling that Alicia and I may lose our home but no real idea. I'm not even sure who owns our mortgage and how they're doing. I hope they got a sweet severance package. The lesson in all of this... we are all small time. Like the no fear shirts of the mid 90s that too many of my close friends wore, go big or go home. (Never owned one, also never owned Z Cavaricchis... Face!)

It tickles me that McCain can sit there and blame the economy on Obama. I know he has to. If you have a cold, he has to blame it on Barack, but man alive. The deregulation that caused this implosion is exactly as old as McCain's Washington career.

So in the last week, Soviet Menace debuted at Improv A Go Go and we just performed our second show. Last week we did 4 scenes with a lot of audience interaction. This week we pulled back on the interactions. Both were super fun. There is something I like about taunting the audience tho. However, the wrestling singlets we wear are as hilarious as we thought, but the apparatus underneath, used to hide the more distinguishing characteristics of the genitals, are lowering my sperm count, I'm sure of it. Last time I busted a nut it was like a scene from Cormack McCarthy's The Road.

That was gross.

I just finished reading that book. It is great!
Also just finished Soon I Will Be Invincible - quick and super fun!
And Neil Stephenson's Snow Crash - what a multi - layered story! It has something for everyone.
Looking for my next great read. Thinking about Germs, Guns, and Steel.
Anyone own it?
Any other suggestions?

Tonight was the second Sunday in a row Sugar Sunday went up at A Go Go. We'll be changing our name to The Afterparty from here on out, but it is nice to have the extra opportunity for the BNW mainstage crew to improvise. Such fun sets.

Bobby, Joe, and I perform at the Ivey's tomorrow night. That should be fun. I hope to do the BNW proud just like Ms. Lauren Anderson did last year. People laughed through her performance and into the description of Nazi occupied France and concentration camps and shit. You know it's funny when genocide doesn't quell the laughter.

Steve is growing at an incredible rate. He still just fits under the couch, but he has to go into an army crawl and it sounds like the house is coming down. Then his little fluffy head comes peeking out. Pretty god damn adorable. Beags continues to warm up. I may have witnessed his first hump. I was asleep but I'm pretty sure he was trying to get with Beags, a dog twice his size. Attaboy!

Alicia is in Cali this weekend which again means I must ravenously clean the house tomorrow. When she gets home Steve will have doubled in size.

Come see shows -

6 Ring Circus - BNW Tues 7:30pm
The Lion The Witch and The War Hero - BNW Thurs & Fri 8pm, Sat 7 & 10pm
The BNW Afterparty - BNW Fri 10pm
Soviet Menace, The Afterparty - Improv A Go Go - BNW Sun 8pm
Creature Feature/Survivors of the Undead Plague - BNW - Every Thursday in Oct. 8 or 10pm

Atwitter

2008-09-14T15:11:00.003-06:00

I'm atwitter. It's not often that I become atwitter but I'm sure I am in the throes of a twitter. Yep. I am.

Several things have/ are about to happen/ ed that are causing this condition.

1. The shows this weekend were crazy fun, especially the Afterparty. We simplified, and relaxed the show which really seemed to work. The level of play was back to like it was in the olden days. I think Lauren gave stage birth (for the billionth time) to twins and their umbilical cords/placentas aka four grown men.

The Lion, The Witch, and The War Hero was a lot of fun too. This was Fred's second week as Joe's understudy and Lisa Burton came in for Ellie. They have both done a great job of coming into a show that isn't the easiest to understudy. Kudos! And next week it's the Josh Carson show! Welcome him with big crowds.

2. Creature Feature is almost here. We have rehearsed twice for the show and we're only a couple weeks away from opening. It is so much ridiculous fun. What better way to usher in the Halloween season?

3. Every time I go home I have puppies to play with! Beagle has started to play with Steve too. She still seems a bit jealous as he is a little Napoleon and wants all that she has - beds, toys, chews, attention. The Battle of Waterloo is looming. He likes to bite her neck with his sharp little puppy teeth, but she can fit his head in her mouth. Plus she is showing some real Judo skills. I'm not kidding, she sweeps legs, she bites his head and pulls it down as she lifts his hind quarters and rolls him. It's impressive.

4. Speaking of wrestling, at Improv A Go Go tonight... earlier than expected... is the premier of SOVIET MENACE. If I were a muppet my arms would be flailing. I can't explain how excited/ nervous I am for this. Troy Zimmerman and I have put very little combined thought into this outside of the outfits we found online demand to be put on stage. It will start as a sight gag, but I have faith that our abilities will make it so much more. And if not, it's a strong enough sight gag to go 20 minutes? I need to bone up on Russian history so that I can make obscure references. Wikipedia don't fail me now.

5. Something is pulling me out of my twitter - ah yes, the stupid Bears and their decision to throw on third and one with two minutes left in the game. Followed by their decision to rush on fourth and one with two minutes left in the game. Why not rush it twice if you have to and keep the ball out of the fucking air. I was listening to it on line so maybe Carolina erected a wall betwixt 2nd and 3rd down. Barring that, stupid call. Especially after leading for the entire game and looking like a legitimate team for just shy of 1 week.

6. The Vikes lost to the Colts! They are 0 - 2! Tied with the Lions! Twitter back on. I hate the Vikings. Aaron Rogers - way to go buddy. You'll never be Brett Favre, but you could be a better QB.

7. Gotta end on lucky seven, what else... I love Fall! Also, Palin's baby is really her daughter's - believe it. It hasn't hit yet, but when it does it will be a shitstorm! That might be grasping at straws, but there are theories. I love politics!
Oh, and holy hell! Check out Hole In The Wall. I couldn't tell you any details (I could - I'm online and could look it up - I won't.) but look for fat and/or tiny people in shiny suits trying to fit through holes in a moving wall - it's on TV.

Where All The White Women At?

2008-09-09T11:06:00.003-06:00

How is it that 20% of white women have suddenly become republican? Is it really that easy? I thought when Palin was picked that women would be incensed because that is an extremely condescending move. McCain was banking on the fact that they have no other opinions than "woman in office". Is that it? White women were Obama supporting democrats and then suddenly swayed by one of the staunchest republicans in America?

Is this revenge for Hillary? I know that some were leaning that way, but where is the sense in that? If you were going to vote for Clinton and she drops out of the race, wouldn't you vote for someone with a similar platform? Would you vote for 4 more years of Republicans in power out of spite?

Cause things are pretty bad ladies. I just erased a paragraph outlining some of the woes of the world because if you don't know, I'm not going to open anyone's eyes.

I'm depressed. White women have depressed me. My mom's white and a woman. I'm gonna call her and see what her problem is.

Babies, Alumni, Puppies, Bears, Turtles... Oh My!

2008-09-08T12:00:00.003-06:00

Congrats Joe and Theresa and Sophia! Happy birthday! Did you know that Bozic means Christmas in Croatian and there are an abnormal amount of September birthdays in the Bozic family... 9 months after the Christmas season? For more amazing Bozicidences talk to Joe, cause that's the only one I know.

As I write this, some BNW alumni emeriti are being interviewed in the salon. Pretty cool. They have no idea who I am and I'm pretty sure they think I'm a secretary from the pool.

My puppy is quickly becoming an asshole. He bites Beagle's face and full chomped me when I gave him his nasty tasting medicine this morning. He will be a good dog. He's pretty fucking adorable. He likes to lay on his back and stretch full out, or ball himself up. His face is too much, but he may be evil. If it were up to me to stop my evil dog from creating hell on earth, we'd all be fucked. He's that cute.

Beagle doesn't think so but she's getting there.

And Holy Fucking Bears! Am I right? That game was amazing! 29-13! The era of Orton has begun. Run your offense, eat up time, rest your defense, stay calm. What does that do? Gives you 3 touchdowns (2 Off, 1 Def), 2 field goals, and a safety! That is a productive fucking game. Manning couldn't believe it, hell Chicago couldn't believe it.

Skirt Turtles play tonight! We have no women who can play. Any ideas? Hurry!

RNC PUPPY!

2008-09-03T21:00:00.002-06:00

Holy Drop Dead Gorgeous!

Wanna know who not to mess with? A former beauty pageant contestant. I know it's cheap to say this, but the claws are out, MEOW! Sarah Palin is rallying the GOP by summoning every misstep Obama has made during his campaign. They seem to love her although there have been a couple of extended boos, and I'm pretty sure I heard a cow. Whoa! They showed Louis Black's retarded brother. There he is again! Who is that? At any rate she hot and she said that with her and McCain in the white house they would lay a whole lot of pipe... line. Oop, there's first dude. Shh! BTW, that hockey mom joke is really a lesbian joke. Where are your family values now Palin?

Wanna know who is a charming, evil man? Huckabee! He's one hell of a speaker. I could be the crazy, wide - eyed Christian I love to mock if I had only been born down the road from his church. He's good. The only thing better than his desk story is watching everyone get surprised by the connection to the the oval office. Do they know about the map that's hidden in there?

Wanna know what I missed? Romney and Giuliani. I'll have to catch up with them tomorrow.

Wanna know what is a lose lose situation? Mandatory evacuation. Weathermen, apologize to New Orleans!

Wanna know what is more on my mind than any of this RNC bullshit? The adorable little puppy in the crate downstairs. That's right we got a puppy! He's yellow and white and he's super fluffy and pees a lot. His name is Pocket, or Moses, or Woody, or Hiro, or

Whoa, here's McCain. Is that it? It's over already! Why didn't he say anything other than that? And his neck bones seem to be fused. What a beautiful family? Why didn't he ride that wave of enthusiasm? Stupid. Thumbs up at waist level seem strange.

Anyway, he was named Stevie at the shelter. That's not too bad, but I wouldn't mind some input. Name my dog!

Jim Lehrer is wrapping it all up and so am I.

Olympics Out, DNC In

2008-08-27T11:24:00.003-06:00

The Skirt Turtles fell to 1 and 5 on Monday. That's all I'll say about that.

The weekend came and went so fast I can't hardly remember what happened. It was filled with Olympics, every episode from season one of Madmen. Watch this show. No questions, just watch. You'll thank me. And the first three episodes of Dexter season 2. Serial killing - is there anything better?

I should join Netflix. I should. I'm wasting too much time and money at Blockbuster. My only reservation is that I am a watcher and Alica is not. She somehow manages to find life outside of television. A trait I don't fully understand. I worry that movies will just sit. I can't have that. My addictive personality stretches far beyond the realm of the malt shop. Once I begin a series I can't sit idly by while episodes go unwatched. I must consume the whole story.

The Olympics ended with another amazing show. Did you see the guys with the hoppy legs? It's as if they took prosthetic running legs and strapped them on the legged. I want that. And the hundreds of ching chang girls - that's not racist, they were covered in bells. I miss the Olympics already. Thank god for the Democratic National Convention.

The 45th quadrennial DNC kicked off on Monday. I haven't watched a lick of it (softball and 6 Ring), but I've heard good things. I've been catching up on some highlights online.

From what I can gather, Hillary gave one last cry for unity from her supporters. When she started the "18 million cracks" line, I was certain she was going to finish with "in the glass ceiling of one gigantic crystal vagina" - she didn't and I remembered that I work in a comedy theater. Then she called to her "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits" and I kicked myself for not thinking of that one.

Michelle Obama gave a great speech that proved to any doubters that she will be an awesome first lady with a PAC 10 basketball coach for a brother - what a family!

And Ted Kennedy inspired everyone by pushing his personal trials aside to support Obama and a change for America. C'mon, it's only BRAIN CANCER!

And Jimmy Carter - he says yes.

Again, I'm watching highlight reels - all homeruns and touchdowns.

Tonight Bill Clinton and Joe Biden take the stage. I'm excited to see what happens there. People will be able to take a closer look at Biden, and Bill, well, Bill's a wild card.

6 Ring kicked off last night. The players have been shuffled, the teams are brand new, everyone is out of their comfort zone - awesome. It's gonna be on hell of a quarter! El Nino! 6 Ring Circus - Tuesdays 7:30pm $1

The Lion, The Witch, and The War Hero, Or Is McCain Able? Friday nights at 8pm, Saturday at 7pm and 10pm.

BNW Afterparty A multi media improv and sketch show. Friday night 10pm - Don't miss it!

Improv A Go Go Sunday Nights at 8pm.

Holy Plugs!

6Ring Win, Turtle Loss

2008-08-20T18:02:00.002-06:00

What's up 6 Ring Team To Be Named Later!

Held auditions last night. Congrats to those that made teams. To those that didn't, we've all been there, keep plugging, take classes.

Got myself a spunky little team and we will win 6 Ring Circus.

6 Ring isn't about winning, you say?

Fuck you. Yes it is. And we will win.

I gotta win something. The Turtles got shot down Monday night. Nothing but frustration. The Sons of Pitches, as douchey as some of them were (Caveman), were phenomenal. They destroyed us. Seriously, couldn't even hit a grounder until my last at bat which caused Kapp to get thrown out at 2nd, I mean the whole thing was pop up after pop up and I was batting strong in practice meanwhile the idiots on the other team weren't fucking swinging except to hit a fucking homerun and don't tell me I was out ump because I was under the bullshit tag you jack ass. Fuck Fuck Fuck!

Slept all day today and now I go eat sushi... which means I will be stopping at Cub for more food on the way home.

Is it wrong...

2008-08-18T13:20:00.004-06:00

... to sleep all day, only waking up long enough to eat, in front of the Olympics?

... to feed your dog gas-inducing treats, with no regard for the midnight aftermath it will wreak on your loved one, to keep her on stage because you think it's funny?

... to get all hydration from coffee and diet soda?

... to blame the offended for taking offense at the horrible thing(s) you just said?

Leonard Olympics

2008-08-17T10:56:00.005-06:00

Finished up an amazing weekend of shows.

For one reason or another I couldn't speak correctly through any of them. My words weren't working. That can be frustrating.

Last Saturday my guitar was horribly out of tune so I brought it in to get strung properly. I found this shop owned by a guy named Leonard Shapiro. Walking in, one immediately feels as if they're watching an episode of Mr. Rogers where he visits a guitar repair shop. Leonard's an older, gravelly - voiced hippy in a Hawaiian shirt and a gray beard. I start asking him questions that Mr. Rogers would ask like, "How long have you been doing guitar repair?" and, "Tell me about San Fransisco."

He gives long, poetic answers while pulling the filthy strings off of my guitar, replacing them, one at a time, and showing me how to properly string my axe. He does the whole thing for 15 bucks but doesn't accept credit cards. After running out to grab my checkbook he states that if I give him a ride to Northeast we can call it even. Done. My guitar sounds amazing and holds it's tune. Thanks Leonard!

That's what I love about dealing with the free love generation. There is always a barter option. It's what I loved about further fests and Phish shows too. Where else can you start with a veggie burrito and end up with a handful of x in five moves?

I came home on Friday night after the shows, fixed myself some food, sat down, turned on the Olympics and was crying within two minutes. The American had won the bronze in the women's 1500 and her mom was in the stands.

I came home last night and stayed up until I saw Phelps win eight. More tears followed immediately by sleep - it was 3 or 4 am.

This morning I watched a bit of the equestrian qualifiers and the sport that wins the award for coolest sounding name, saber fencing. Some modifications need to be made for this to translate to tv.
1. Light sabers. Easier to see. These guys move so fast it's hard to follow what's happening. Light sabers would fix that, plus sound awesome.
2. Longer matches. It's first hit for these guys. Why not make it first to 10 and let the battle rage.
3. Circular field. They can only move back and forth. How about some side to side rolls and flips.
4. If not the above, highlanderesque settings. Have one atop a bridge, another in a warehouse, another throughout a weapon collector's lavish estate.
5. Zero protective gear.
6. To the death.

Come see The Lion, The Witch, and The War Hero at the Brave New Workshop. It's awesome and ever changing.

Come seeThe BNW Afterparty also at the BNW. It is long and short form improv, video, and sketches that never made it. Super fun.

Come see Dog Walk at Improv A Go Go again at the BNW tonight at 8pm. Lauren Anderson and my dog, Beagle, discussing life.

Fat Olympic Insects

2008-08-13T15:34:00.002-06:00

While helping some friends move last night I stepped on their scale. Keep in mind that I was fully clothed, but I clocked in at 199.5. It was digital and therefore infallible. Two bills is usually where I draw the line. Don't get me wrong, I've been bigger. I think I've tipped 215, but it is a sad state and tight clothes is the only export. Weak analogy? Yes!

So I am now keeping an eye on what I'm eating. All that means is I will greatly reduce the amount of cookies I eat. It's a lot. The cookies at the BNW are huge and have like half of a normal man's daily calories. And ice cream, I eat a lot of ice cream. And cupcakes. And regular cake. And Skittles.

Meanwhile the Olympics look amazing. The Chinese have been doing everything to make their olympics look awesome including keeping an ugly little girl off camera to sing while a cute kid lip synced a song during the opening ceremony, adding cgi fireworks to the broadcast, supplying state trained olympic fans to fill seats, and hand picking hundreds of female hostesses (all between 5'5" - 5'7" and 110 - 120lbs. and with smiles showing 6 - 8 teeth).

America sits in judgement - hypocrite America. Like we aren't the most image concerned society in the world. I just blogged about being a fatty for crying out loud.

One thing I caught on TV today. Watch the Beach Volleyball. Crickets... giant fucking crickets, or small mice - hard to tell. Either way, it's creepy. Imagine the focus it takes to pancake a volleyball out of insect infested sand. Keep an eye out.

Skirt Turtle Legs Ache

2008-08-12T16:03:00.002-06:00

Holy Moses my legs ache!

The Skirt Turtles took the field last night in a flurry of bats and mitts. Oh lordy, we were unstoppable. I believe we won the first game by 18 runs! 18! Everyone was hitting homers! Katy, Melissa, Dave, Mike, everybody! And after a five minute break we set the tone for the next game with a first pitch home run! We were softball juggernauts.

But then fatigue set in and everything went fuzzy. Suddenly, I couldn't bend over any more. They hit the ball into a hole no bigger than a softball between Mike, Sam , and I. It looked choreographed. And they took us the second game by 1! Arrgh!

Anyway (fighting urge to use anywho), halfway through the first game I noticed my knees were incredibly sore. I also had a sore knee thing a few weeks ago that I was convinced was a blood clot just waiting to release itself and fry like bacon on my brain - but that had gone away.

It hit me, it's the jump. During the show my 180 - 200lb (depending on snacks) body jumps across the stage. I, like the Olympian I was born to be, have been trying to really stick the landing. I believe my knees are starting to realize I'm 2 months from 30.

At any rate, last night I tried to kneel in bed, lay backwards over my feet and sleep. It felt good but wasn't going to last because I generally enjoy being comfortable for sleep.

Today the legs are protesting a little, but not to bad. I gotta start stretching, and quit weighing so much. All meat diet! Fuck you sugar!

Is it wrong...

2008-08-11T12:47:00.002-06:00

... to give a recipe for s'mores cheesecake to your 55+ improv class in the hopes that they will bring you a s'mores cheesecake?

... to wake up on the couch with a mustard and ice cream stained shirt and still consider yourself a catch?

... that it takes upwards of 6 shots of espresso to make me, if not pleasant, at all productive?

Olypmics, Politics, Shows

2008-08-10T23:16:00.002-06:00

I've got the Olympics fever.

Everything olympians do is amazing. Not like increasingly chubby me. Man, everyone keeps handing me cupcakes.

I just read the last blog I wrote. Here's an update - The Skirt Turtles were immediately eliminated from the post season. However, tomorrow we begin a 5 week run of double headers in the park district league. That's like softball boot camp.

Politics is crazy. Every time I wear a suit I look in the mirror and think, "I should run for office." Then I watch an election go down. McCain's comparing Obama to the antichrist, Edwards is outed as an adulterer, Hillary wants her people heard at the convention... messy. I would have to disclose all of my past discretions and overcome the my history as a satirist. Obnoxious.

The show, The Lion, The Witch, and The War Hero; Or is McCain Able? continues to be a blast to perform. I really enjoy this show. My guitar is losing it's tune between shows so I need to get it tuned/fixed/tweaked/whatever you do to a guitar that only has one song in it. Friday @ 8, Saturday @ 7 & 10.

We've also started a fantastic new show called The BNW Afterparty on Friday nights at 10pm. It's a blast. It's a mix of short form improv, video, sketches that never made it, and long form improv. You need to come and check out this show.

The Olympics... Amazing.

Ooh cupcakes.

Opening

2008-07-28T12:32:00.004-06:00

What a weekend. After a long and arduous couple of weeks, the show opened. "The Lion, The Witch, and The War Hero; Or Is McCain, Able?" I know there were was at least one person who didn't know if I was going to learn my lines in time (me). I had a midshow meltdown the night before the opening.

But when all was said and done, the whole show, every individual performance, the whole cast, all of it came together to create one rockstar show. A lot went into getting this show up, the stage is brand new, there are two new flat panel tvs, digital video we shot was finalized, a lot.

Now it's back to the normal for a few months. Actually there will probably be moments of panicked line changes and possibly even whole scenes inserted. The show is going to change as the election process continues, so that'll be exciting.

One thing that will be nice to get back into is softball. It's been long enough to let the wound on my knee completely heal. The Skirt Turtles made the playoffs, and though our record may not reflect the bad ass caliber of our team, I think that puts us at a distinct advantage over all those who will doubt us in the post season. Trophy time mofos.

Welcome Back Kotter

2008-07-15T23:01:00.000-06:00

Blogging? Me? I know. Crazy.

My computer went down a while back and then I threw my cell phone into a brick wall. I gotta tell ya, it's not too bad being completely cut off. All interactions are completely random and surprising. However, I lost any interest with technology and it's wonders.

Writing the show. Writing the show.

TCIF days 2, 3, and 4 happened. They were awesome. I didn't actually see day 4, I'm sad about it. I was exhausted. So many great workshops and shows and parties and even an after party I didn't attend. I held my own after party with a half gallon of orange sherbet. Woot!

Writing the show. Write write.

The 4th of July was great. Normally, I hang out with my friends more, but because of the destroyed phone I spent most of the time out of the loop. It was a blessing in disguise. Alicia and I were both so tired, we fell asleep by 10pm almost every night we were there. Besides, I hadn't been home since January so spending some family time was really nice.

Writing the show. Rehearsing the show. Memorizing lines.

Came back into the loop up north. Got a new phone - it's awesome while remaining just a phone. Started teching the show, running pieces, learning lines, etc. Then Saturday we got to the 24 hr. improv marathon. Carazy. So exhausted by the time Agogo came around. Both Butch and I were so exhausted neither of us could imagine improvising but Jen "Duracell" Scott pulled us through. That was a great set. Zombies, Bachelorettes, zombie bachelorettes, zombie cops, wood chippers, shirt tails, a magic todd oldham. Why didn't we tape that?
Working backwards, the BNW cast had a crazy set - dirty sexy.
Lonely Highway was a lot of fun and could easily be renamed 4 assholes trying to get under each other's skin.
Stagecoach had a fun set - I can't remember too much, I was getting delirious.
The random jam was a blast - just random and fun.
And Larynx had a fun set. That particular set could've also been called three dudes fucking with each other. Fucking with each other brings such wonderful things to the surface. Like if Jason and I weren't fucking with each other, we wouldn't have discovered that we could travel through time and were, in fact, the same person. As was President Dave. As was skirt, the store bought invisible brother who fucks dinosaurs.

When you write out what happened in an improv set, it always seems like a book I want to read.

At any rate, I hope the Gilda's Club raised a nice big chunk of change to help victims of stupid cancer (Not cancer of stupid, I'm all for cancer of stupid.).

Final countdown to doing the new show for the first time. Got some big chunks to learn.

Go Skirt Turtles. Thanks for everyone pulling together to play some games in these trying times. I hope to watch some Dark Knight and play next Monday - then pizza - then ice cream - perfect day.

Learn the show.

TCIF day 1

2008-06-27T13:00:00.000-06:00

Holy cats!

The Twin Cities Improv Festival kicked off last night to critical acclaim in that I am the critic and I acclaimed it. I hope acclaimed means loved. It was awesome. Larynx opened with one of our more solid sets to date which was a relief because we threw up some real stink bags in rehearsal. T-Rex Force closed out a muffinlicious first hour.

Next up was Stevie Ray's troupe which made me long for the days when I was a part of that group. Seriously, during the "Arnold" it took everything I had not to run up and deliver witty kill quips. SCRAM closed that hour out. What can I say. I couldn't laugh because I wanted to hear what would happen next. I was crazy invested in all of their characters. Three scenes happening simultaneously, C'MON!

The last hour was Vaudeville With A Pig which I regrettably missed. I hear Jen and Dave had a great set, yay! The night closed out with 1-2-3 Improv! doing their retarded brand of awesome. I missed the front end of their show too but the last 80% was drop down, drag out funny. "You are worthy of my father because you killed my father."

And then we partied into the wee hours of the night. What a night! Big time show tonight! Check it out. www.twincitiesimprovfestival.com

Computer, Geek, Shows, Farmer, Parents, Naps

2008-06-23T08:46:00.001-06:00

Wow! Computer is back and functioning. I'm not saying I couldn't of blogged in the last few weeks, but I figured my level of interest in spewing my daily minutiae was equal to that of those who read this dreck.

Geek Squad is a cadre of douches. Geeky little fuckers that I would love, LOVE to use for batting practice. Speaking of batting practice, Go Skirt Turtles! We earned a win last week and I'd like to see that happen again tonight. I've cut the sleeves off my shirt for three reasons 1. luck. 2. the heat last game was borderline intolerable. 3. I'm testing the limits of my ability to look like a rapist/douche. I may park my IROC-Z in center and rock some Speedwagon.

Closed the show on Saturday. 5 months of the 50 Years of the Brave New Workshop. I really liked this show, I am glad we finished a successful run. Now all eyes and attention are focused on upcoming events.

Twin Cities Improv Festival Thursday thru Sunday. Get your tickets at www.twincitiesimprovfestival.com . Don't miss this full blown extravaganza. If you do, you'll kick your dog and nobody wants that. I perform with Larynx on Thurs. and the BNW on Sat. So many good groups, and your dog loves you. Attend.

The Lion, The Witch, and The War Hero or Is McCain Able? previews begin July 17th and opening night is July 25th. Dear god is it gonna be a hoot. Lots of stuff is written. What will make it? What won't? How will I swedge my new favorite term "swedge" into the show? Find out the answers to these questions and more by coming to the show!

Adorable performed at Improv A Go Go last night. So much precious fun. Dear lord. I love it when an audience confirms my belief that everyone resents their cat.

Speaking of adorable, Baby Jackson Farmer made his first appearance at the BNW. What a cute little baby, rocking his hip hop poses.

Parents came into town to see the show last weekend and (I've saved the biggest news for last.) travelled to Stillwater with Alicia and I to set a date and place for our upcoming wedding. Yay! Looking like Oct. 3rd 2009 at the Washington County Courthouse. The fall colors, the history, the grace... stunning. It's gonna be great!

Such a full weekend meant not a whole lot of rewrite time so ol' half eyes stayed up all last night. I will be looking for select times to take a nap throughout the day as I need to be fresh for the softball game. I'm out.

Fuck you Geek Squad!

A Political Junkie Was Born

2008-06-04T01:25:00.000-06:00

Bobby and I grabbed the 21 bus from Uptown heading to St. Paul. That alone could probably fill a blog if I could remember much of it, but my brain is filled with Obama. We arrived around 6 and grabbed some dinner before heading to the rally.

By the time we stepped onto Xcel property, the line was down the block, across the street, down that block, turned down another street, down that block, and continued for an unknown distance. We decided that there was no way we were getting in by way of giant line.

We cut back to the Energy Center past two more giant masses of people awaiting two graduation ceremonies and found ourselves across from the VIP entrance. I had been in contact with my dear friend, Katie who travels with the Obama's as part of Michelle's staff. She said they would be arriving around 8 and that she could get us in. It was 7, so we had time to wait.

Bobby and I ran over ideas for sketches for the upcoming election show at the BNW, and shot the shit. That was when I noticed we were both dangerously close to real shit so we moved. I had crazy fantasies of what might happen at the rally. My favorite was that I stopped Obama's assassin thus making a very powerful friend.

I also wanted to see a secret service tackle of an evil doer. A couple of grad students working on a video interviewed us about technology in the work place. We were discussing the tech situation at the Brave New Workshop when the secret service tackle happened behind us. Just a couple of drunks, but still... damn it.

The motorcade was approaching so we got pushed back into a parking lot. After they had arrived, we were allowed back to the sidewalk where we began chatting up a cop. He asked if we were VIPs and I replied no. I explained that we were waiting for my friend Katie to come and get us in. That was enough to cross the street. Upon arriving at the door we were again asked if we were VIPs. Again I said no and explained that my friend Katie was going to come and get us in. That got us in and through security. All on the vague credentials of "my friend Katie".

On the other side of the metal detector we were finally stopped by a woman with too much going on. She ordered security to close the doors because people (Bobby and I) were just wandering in. Finally, she said we could go through to general admission. So if you're ever at an event that is impossible to get into, claim you have a friend who is supposed to meet you.

Katie showed up right then. Katie is a gem and I don't get to see her very often but we grew up together summering in Wisconsin. She led us right down behind the press, flashing her secret service clearance pin at anyone who looked at us sideways. She was gladhanding writers for major publications, political insiders, she seemed to know everybody there. She got us the okay to hop a fence and, Boom!, there we were not fifty feet in front of the podium.

The vibe was intense. People were vibrating with excitement when who should walk up but Amy Klobuchar. She was walking towards us with such determination and focus that I was sure she knew who I was, who I worked for, and that I, more or less, insulted her in the Office Romance song Ellie and I did in YouCube. She came right for us.

If she knew, you'd never know. She was so cool and in control. Awesome! I now share Brian's crush on Amy Klobuchar. She's got the power! Plus I got a picture with her. I can't believe it. Bobby too. Seriously though, she was surrounded by young men in five seconds. She's magnetic.

Then Barack took the stage. Took it hard. He and Michelle waved to the crowd kissed, and then did this cute little fist bump that was adorable. Michelle is adorable. If you saw it, you know. The crowd went nuts. Wouldn't let him start. It came and went in waves. When it would ebb, suddenly someone would get excited and it would start all over again.

One man up there. Just one man. Not there to rock you for one night. Not there to make you laugh for an hour or so. One man soaking in all of the love from thousands of people because he has pledged to change the world. Crazy powerful.

His speech was inspirational. This our moment. This is our time. Electricity was running through the place. And when the chant of Yes We Can started, it was like those positive thoughts people that fill up football stadiums. I honestly felt like, in that moment with that group of people, we could do anything.

I had my moments of cynicism causing the whole picture to seem surreal. I just finished reading Survivor by Palahniuk. In it, this guy becomes a product. Writers, agents, clamoring fans, nothing real, nothing genuine. Just a product. But then this one man would break that away and make me believe it was all possible.

I was already pretty gay for Obama. But still, I make fun of everything, take nothing seriously, and I have nothing to poke fun at except the chubby kid jumping up and down in front of me (not Bobby).

Found miss Peggy Flanagan afterward and she introduced us to Keith Ellison who is a rock star himself. Couldn't get near the guy. Smooth too.

Scammed Bobby into volunteering. A recruiter came up and asked us to volunteer. Bobby said no and I said, "here let me see that" and picked up the clipboard and pen. I read through it and realized I didn't want to knock on doors, or make phone calls, you know, get all involved. So I handed mine back blank. Bobby, feeling the peer pressure filled his out completely. Sucka!

Got to see Katie briefly before she jetted off again. Literally in Minnesota for three hours. Thank you Katie. It was awesome. And congratulations to you and everyone on your team. You guys did great.

A political junkie was born.

Remember, Fun, Sugar, Race, Paints, Punch

2008-05-29T15:36:00.001-06:00

I hope everybody had a great Memorial Day Weekend.

I had fun. Did our shows Friday and Saturday night. Solid sets afterward too. Caleb and Dane Stauffer sat in on Friday. This week Katy and Jim Robinson are coming by. There are only 8 shows left. Friday and Saturday at 7:30pm. Don't miss it!

Had a slot for Musical Pubes-ical on Sunday for A Go Go, but couldn't find a pianist to accompany us so Ellie and I offered it up to the mainstage cast. Joe and Mike couldn't make it as they were in Coon Rapids. So, Ellie, Lauren, Bobby, and I went up as Sugar Sunday in honor of the fact that I only eat large amounts of sugar on Sunday. I ate a cookie, a piece of cheese cake, some skittles, some m&ms, and 8 shots of espresso and then did a set. I don't remember much to be honest, but it was fun.

The next day Ellie had a cookout. I had many sausages. And some delicious "meat" cake. Lauren made a meat shaped cake that was a wonder to behold and devour. And then we decided to have our second footrace around the drainage "pond" behind her house. It is somewhere between 1/3 mile and 10 miles around. I held the lead until the end when a shoeless Joe (not kidding) Dressel overtook me and won the race. Kenyan Kudos, Joe! Afterward I wasn't the only one who felt sick, but I may have been the worse. Happy Birthday Ellie!

I spent most of Tuesday making props for an upcoming lip sync contest. A cardboard car, and two Betty Rocker spoons. They are sweet. So much spray paint. So high in the shop.

We have begun the process of writing the new show. Ideas are being generated, topics discussed, it's very exciting. Who will be the democratic nominee? Will McCain live to see the election? How will we portray Obama? All these questions and more will be answered in the upcoming weeks. Come and see the show to find out.

Punch Out This Friday at 11pm. Last chance to see two improv behemoths go head to head whilst raising money for the Twin Citie's Improv Festival! Which is it's own super exciting event on the horizon.

Drive, Home, Jones, CGI, Boats, Scare, Iron Man

2008-05-22T22:20:00.000-06:00

Had one of those "I'm driving way more than I can afford to" days today. Tried to properly dispose of some paint cans today only to find out it's a painful process. If you want me to go green, you must make it easier. I am willing to make an effort but my threshold for hassles is knee high.

Installed some bathroom hardware and felt like a hardworking homeowner this morning. The empire guys did a stellar job of finishing our bedroom. Looks/feels/smells better. There are so many things that need doing around a house. Oh to be a slum lord. Those guys know the secret to happiness... neglect.

Caught Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull. I miss the grainy 80s look of movies, especially when making a remake or a late in life sequel. It was good, and the choices Lucas (Speilberg? (Does it matter?)) made make sense to me. Older Indy, 50s era, McCarthyism, Soviet Menace, Space Age, Greasers, Jocks, combs, knives. All of it worked for me. The CGI portions seemed unnecessary and stupid enough to make me laugh at their absurdity.

CGI does not look good enough to animate real animals or real people. Buildings, a man in a spidey suit, dinosaurs, aliens are all fair game. But outside of that, it seems super cartoony in an relatively real world. There are other ways to get Mutt back to the action - you'll know when you see.

Auditioned for something that I would really like to get as it involves a three day water ski trip. All other commercial gigs (which I don't get) are good because of money, and money is great, but to get out behind a boat and ski is gold baby, gold.

Beags went to the vet today to get her heartworm check up. She was labeled "a coward" because she whimpered and bucked when the needle went into her arm. Fuck that. You stuck her with a needle. That can be painful, especially if you're an incompetent vet tech. Eat one lady, and stop saying my dog is a coward. That really annoyed me and I realize that makes me a ridiculous person, but you should see this dog keep rapists and murderers away. There are none here now. What do you have to say to that?

Specie reasoning.

Earlier
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later

Just got back from seeing Iron Man. Woot! Now that's some effective CGI. I want one of those suits. If everybody had an Iron Man suit we could blast each other all day long. We'd ruin the world, but it would be awesome! Finally a decent superhero movie. Let's count: Superman 1, 2, 3 (It gets fuzzy after that. Which one had the Sun Russian?), Batman 1& 2, Spiderman 1 & 2 (Eat one 3), and that last Batman. The sequel to that should be pretty great, and there's gonna be a sequel to Iron Man with the Avengers. I don't know the story, but I do like piling on good guys as opposed to piling on bad guys in sequels.

BTW, whenever the government or private sector wants to make a superhero and is looking for volunteers, I am your man. Want one of those suits!

An Open Letter To Denise Richards

2008-05-21T10:44:00.001-06:00

Dear Denise,

I must admit I haven't cared about you since the lesbian pool scene with Neve Campbell in Wild Things. I've heard a bit about a marriage and divorce from 80s party boy and whore house regular, Charlie Sheen, and a new romance with New Jersey resident and Bon Jovi guitarist, Richie Sambora (Do you hate your vagina?). Yet, just this morning you've appeared on my television twice. Looking a little rough, Denise.

Denise, in Drop Dead Gorgeous you played a two - faced whore. In Wild Things you played a two - faced whore. I'm having a hard time finding the line between fact and fiction here. While I have no way of ever knowing if you are, in fact, a whore, you are really coming off as two - faced. Which is weird because you have only one eyebrow.

On both the Today Show and The View this morning, you made your case with America to stop making you out to be the bad guy in your public life. Here's the thing, it was really two promotional spots to plug your new reality show. FAKE!

You claim to hate how your dirty laundry has been aired over the past three years yet you are allowing cameras to follow you around recording all of your self -centered activities (Case in point: Checking yourself out on a "who dated who" website where you sleazily say you and John "Douchebag" Stamos didn't work out because of your kids but you "had a good time"... they get in the way of everything, don't they?). FAKE and WHORISH!

You claim to want to protect your children yet they are now, by your doing, easily identifiable by the dumbest of predators. FAKE and DANGEROUS!

When these disparities were brought to your attention you thrice used your mother's death as a pity deflection. Do you really care that your mother died, or is it just a handy excuse? Not only that, but you asked, "Have any of you [The View's audience] ever watched their mother die?" as if it only happened to you. Almost everybody has or will watch their mother die, Denise. God didn't single you out for that one. FAKE, COLD, and CLINICALLY INSANE!

Denise, what I'm trying to say is I understand. Basing your career on your youthful good looks and willingness to dry hump on camera wasn't going to last. I understand that it's hard to come to terms with the fact that your ship has sailed. I get that your need for attention comes before your mother's health or your children's well being. And everyday gravity reeks havoc on your breasts and jowls as your eyebrow, and I'm guessing mustache, become harder to landscape. People need to understand your plight. Whatever your show is called, whatever channel it is on, and whenever it is on, may it be a success.

May it show America the person you really are.

Sincerely,

Joshua Eakright

Home, Empire, Turles, Talent Show

2008-05-21T00:49:00.000-06:00

It's 1:30am. There's no reason for me to be up but I feel a need to blog. There's no reason for it, but I must.

Since becoming a home owner my life has revolved around owning a home. I have completed countless home projects: hung drapes, constructed a grill, bought a dehumidifier, insulated pipes, broke down countless boxes, and constructed more IKEA furniture than I'd like to admit.

If I never see a hex wrench again, I'll die happy.

The Empire carpet guy showed up today and carpet will be installed tomorrow. He asked, "How did you hear about us?" Ridiculous. Your jingle has been burned inside my head since I was a boy with an antennae TV. It is the 6th most recognizable jingle/slogan in America behind "Squeeze the Charmin".

Sing it with me, "5 8 8 2 3 hundred... Empire!"

The Skirt Turtles lost their final game. There was some seriously questionable calls from the umpire. That aside, the Pizzlecrats had some douches on their team. That aside, we played a good game and only had one bad inning, maybe two. That aside, Joe Bozic is destined to be ejected from a little league game. That aside, I am the fastest man on the team. Unless Caleb, Butch, or Davey is faster.

When was the last time you had a foot race? Have one tomorrow.

Realized on Monday that sometimes I get paid to do what 6th grade girls do when left to their own devices, ie. put on a talent show. Brian, Lauren, Ellie and I helped a team of analytical people choreograph a lipsync contest. They were frozen by the idea of a three minute lip sync performance. Not even karaoke. Every once in a while I have that moment of, "This is my job? This is my job!"

I'm professionally retarded.

6 years of Improv A Go Go was a blast. I couldn't stay for the whole thing but, warming up in the tag out fashion, and the show was jamming.

Come see 6 Ring Circus! Had a great one last night. Big crowd, big laughs. Keep that going.

Come see Improv A Go Go this Sunday! Ellie and I will be performing our final Musical Pubes - ical of the summer.

Come see The Brave New Workshop turns 50: Old Enough To Know Better! Only 10 performances left. Lots of alums coming to improvise. Don't miss it.

Ahh. A moment to sit back, relax, and blog?

2008-05-15T22:39:00.002-06:00

I am a homeboner! That's my childish joke to offset the major adult responsibility I've just taken on.

The closing was quick. Our mortgage company has again shown that they're not too good with numbers, nearly costing us $700 within the first second of owning our house. And the seller's real estate agent looked like a hideous pageant entry. When your using that much hairspray and makeup it means you're trying to cover an ugly that makeup won't cure.

Sorry, I'm bitter. She was an ass during the negotiations and the sellers are pricks too. They took a mirror out of the bathroom and all of the paint without a note that says what brand/color/finish it was. Also a pimp bike that I never expected to be part of the deal, but fuckers! anyway.

Since closing on the house I have not had a moment to do anything that wasn't written on a list. Even now there are many, many things that require my attention, but I find myself between tasks.

First of all, thanks to everyone for the help and the good wishes. Especially, Lisa, Lauren, Annoud, Clint, and Alicia's parents. You all made the move fast and smooth.

Alicia's parents took our house by storm. They were not fucking around. So many things got done because of them and their generosity was overwhelming. They got us a brand new gas grill, y'all. You know that's gonna get used. BBQ at my house! Woot!

I've spent the last few days putting together IKEA furniture. IKEA is a dickface. I go in there knowing what I want and it still takes forever. The employees are asses and the whole store has been Swedish designed to stress me out. But, goddamn, if their furniture isn't modern and efficient and easily assembled, IF DONE CORRECTLY FROM THE BEGINNING!

Another trip to Home Depot. I love/hate/love that place. Now that I own a HOME, the HOME Depot has everything I need or want, but it's also filled with all this other stuff I didn't know I needed or wanted. Now I have all of it and my account is empty. Anyone know how to grow a healthy, pet safe, weed free lawn, btw? Thanks for the mower, MIke. I gave her a test run today. What a blast!

Had a great Musical Pubes - ical set again last Sunday. Taped it, made a DVD. My mac rocks! Plan on doing it all again Memorial Day Weekend. Actually, I plan on taping the majority of Mainstage Sets from here on out, whittling it down to a couple good ones and sending it out for festivals. Who's ready to get their fest on?!

Skirt Turtles, that's who, but not a fest, more of a tourney! Big win on Monday. Letting the grand slam go over my head and the solo shot and the three run get past me in right and the fact I couldn't hit anything other than a pop up did NOT help. But the Turtles really pulled together and made that game ours. Nice work everyone. Big ups to Fotis' grand slam. That had to feel good. Woot!

Homeboner mofos!

Old, Pube, Fringed, SASSy, Show, Closing

2008-05-09T10:26:00.000-06:00

Alicia and I close on our first home in 2 hours.

Packing, packing, packing...

The week started with my 55+ improvisors. It's important to say 55+ and not senior citizen because while they enjoy the discounted ticket prices, in their minds senior citizens are "bussed in from nursing homes". I'll come back to that.

Packing, packing, packing...

Ellie and I then learned some tips to better Musical Pubes - ical's musicality from Ms. Jill Bernard. She taught us the things that we were haplessly stumbling upon and finding success with. Now it's just a matter of doing them on purpose. I knew all those hours of making up my own words to songs would come in handy some day. Screw you lyrics and thank you Jill!

Packing, packing, packing...

Then it was off to the 5/5ths of Romeo and Juliet Fringe Fest Fundraiser. The 5 groups that went were great. Kudos to Four Humors' ballet, and the Rockstar Storytellers. I really enjoyed all of the performances. Kudos to Mike and Joe for writing and putting together the Brave New Workshop's entry. It was really well received, you guys did a great job as well as Lauren, Ellie, and Bobby. That was my first venture into the mysterious world of the Fringe and I had a great time.

Packing, packing, packing...

Back to the 55+. They performed for the Southside Spring Arts Social Sampler (SASS - I'm not kidding.) This is an event where they "bus in old people" to see what the 55+ young people have been up to in the community ed classes that are offered. My team, who took the name Josh's Kids, did a great job. I'm going to try and get them involved in the occasional 6 Ring or Go Go show. Keep an eye out.

Packing, packing, packing...

Speaking of 6 Ring, we've got some new players in the mix. 8 new players. We'll be doing shows all summer so stop in and check out some prov. Tuesdays at 7:30pm.

Packing, packing, packing...

Saw Devotchka on Wednesday night. Any band that employs the poor kid that chose tuba in band is alright with me. Seriously, the guy croons, plays guitar and a theramin. There's a string section. It's great. Check 'em out. I am at the point where I'd just like to watch from a seated position, does that make me old?

Packing, packing, packing...

We're almost done. I'm going to meet up with Alicia and close this deal and then we'll be taking the first load over to our house this afternoon. Exciting! The big push happens tomorrow. We're pretty much packed up and ready to go. Just a bed, a couple of dressers, and the boxes and boxes of everything else.

Holy shit the roller coaster is at the peak and the anticipation is killing me.

Packing, packing, packing...

Drugs, Lost, Babies, Nap, Happy

2008-05-04T23:36:00.003-06:00

Improv is a narcotic. When you're doing it and things are going well, all you want is more. But every once in a while you think, "I gotta stop doing this for a little while and get my kids back."

This weekend was one of those crazy weekend improv benders.

Thursday, Ellie and I rehearsed with Jen Scott on the keys for the Improv A Go Go debut of Musical Pubes-ical. It was our second rehearsal. We kind of finalized what it would look like and worked out some music thingies (I'll use thingies in place of vocab someone proposing to do musical theater may know).

The BNW at 50 shows went well this weekend but it was a battle to win audiences over at times. The set following the Friday show was... I don't really remember but I don't have sunshiny feelings about it... meh.

A half hour later Larynx went up against The Unstoppables at Punch Out. Our set was fun. I feel good about it. We're getting there.

However, The Unstoppables lived up to their names, handily defeating us. Congratulations ladies!

Saturday we had a afternoon set for a woman's adventure group. We had three short forms and a montage. They loved the short form games. The montage, not so much.

Big ups to Lisa Burton for coming in Saturday night for Lauren and kicking some ass. I will never forget your hair in the Venus hat... never.

Set that night was filled with a slew of nothing good coming from me.

I felt lousy about improv. I had done four sets in two days which combined had shaken my confidence, lost a competition, and confused female explorers.

Today started with a baby shower for baby Farmer! So many babies. The halls of the BNW will fill with the pitter patter of fourteen little feet by summers end. Little hangers for little baby clothes... cue - it!

Awaiting rehearsal, I was so tired that I took a nap in the box office. It's just bigger than a coffin. I found the most uncomfortable position and slept like a baby for an hour. I blearily tromped into the theater with Jen and Ellie to rehearse once more before the show. There were mixed feelings, but I will say this: Every time we've rehearsed, we've found some new and magical addition to play with. So even when it's not that strong of a piece, something good has come out of it.

IAGG kicked off with It Feels So Good When It Stops playing with their puppets. Not only do I love puppets, I love these people playing with puppets. They are just fun to watch.

Bobby and Bobby went second with a cameo appearance from Snoop Dogg that was awesome - and the zinger of zingers, "I was sitting that orgy out, but when at an orgy, sometimes the orgy finds you." Killed me.

After panicking though intermission Musical Pubes-ical went third. Ellie was brilliant. We were connected. All of the improv slump slime seemed to wash clean off and Ellie and I killed our first Musical Pubes-ical.

A Wolf Blitzer Trio featuring Jill Bernard and Samantha Pereira closed the show teaching us a little bit of Spanish and that the power of yes completely overwhelms everything else.

So after a few days of wondering what I was doing with my life, I feel reenergized. Thank god that's over. And thank you Jen and Ellie for rocking tonight - Jen, your fingers are golden and Ellie, it's like each one of your vertebrae have knee joints.

Lazy Man Whining

2008-05-02T10:02:00.000-06:00

Oh man, a schedule?!?

I am sorry. I am annoyed with myself for boring the three people who read this blog with a breakdown of a long day. It just goes to show how tired I was. I couldn't think of anything creative or interesting to write or say yesterday. No schedules - Lesson learned.

It is a testament to just how lazy I am. One day of lots of work and I am wrecked. I feel like if I went back in time, I would be outcast from the village for complaining. People still do work ridiculous long hours everyday, just to get by. But, back in the day, before the conveniences of now, everybody did. People would get up before the sun, carry giant bushels and barrels on their shoulders, pull stubborn mules out into the middle of fields, bale and haul giant bundles of hay, and probably a bunch of other stuff I can't even imagine, until harvest time. Then they'd spend the winter trying to survive.

And here I am complaining because I had one day of hard work. Ass.

Today is another full day, but more my speed. A little box office duty here, a couple of meetings there, a show, and it's all capped off with a Punch Out Bout of Larynx (Dave Kappelhoff, Jason Bindas, and me) vs. The Unstoppables ( Ms. Lisa Burton, Ms. Ellie Hino, And Ms. Sara Richardson). That is a day I can get down with.

Speaking of Ms. Lisa Burton - she's in the show tomorrow! Yay!

And speaking of Ms. Ellie Hino - she and I are debuting the all musical improv piece, Musical Pube-sical this Sunday at Improv a Go Go! BNW 8pm! Yay!

The Perfect Storm

2008-05-01T18:34:00.003-06:00

I hate the movie Perfect Storm. I actually enjoyed watching it, but I hate it for giving a name to three or four elements coming together to for the sole purpose of fucking over a boat. I am the boat.

Yesterdays schedule:
8:30 am - arrive at the Brave New Workshop. Begin patching and re - upholstering chairs.
10:15am - Jockey phone calls between sick mortgage lady and Insurance Agent.
10:20am - Chair re - upholstery.
12:30pm - Jockey phone calls between sick mortgage lady's boss and Insurance Agent.
12:40pm - Chair re - upholstery and installation.
2:45pm - Relay phone calls from mortgage boss via Alicia to Insurance Agent.
3:00pm - Pick Alicia up from work and jockey phone calls.
3:30pm - Chair installation.
4:30pm - Larynx rehearsal - We Will Stop You!
5:30pm - Chair installation.
6:30pm - Buy $75 worth of primer and paint.
7:00pm - Arrive at house.
7:10pm - Phone call from insurance agent saying no one has contacted him despite my efforts.
7:30pm - Realize if I continue trying to paint 2nd story window I will die.
7:31pm - Prime crawl space window (why? because the FHA says so.)
7:32pm - Begin scraping/priming fascia board of garage.
8:30pm - Finish 3/4 of garage. Pack up gear. Head back to theater.
9:00pm - arrive at Brave New Workshop - Re - upholstery of removed chair backs.
9:30pm - Chair removal/re-upholstery/installation.
1:00am - Leave Theater.

I am a week out from becoming a home owner. Our Mortgage lady's boss cannot figure out how to dial to a 773 area code (she's not good with numbers... fantastic.).

The painting would've happened this summer, but now I have paint drips froma rush job. I finished it up this morning, but none of what was required was necessary.

The chairs look better. Now I have to re - upholster the ones in the back of the theater.

This morning while I was painting in the morning sun, I realized I was painting my house. Our house. That felt really good. Everything worked out aces, but I am tired. Not to mention some late - week pains from Monday's softball game.

Old balls, softballs, closing

2008-04-29T19:56:00.002-06:00

Skirt Turtles! Wahoo!

We lost again. Damnnnnnit! We like to ease into a game like an old man with low hanging, old balls... That is to say, slowly. We gave up a lot of runs early on and had no bats until the final inning. Suddenly we were playing like a team with a purpose. We allowed one guy to get on base, but he did not score and our bats woke up. We should play 6 innings of a scrimmage prior to the game. I'm kidding, but I'm not.

The important thing is to have fun. Must... remember... the... fun. It is, actually, nothing but fun. Being on a baseball diamond again does amazing things for the soul. Making that catch, or solidly fielding that ball and getting it over to first in time for the out, or cranking the shit out of the ball (only to have the ump call a clearly fair ball foul - dickhead) just turns you into a ten year old again.

I remember my grandfather playing in a senior's softball league in Florida. He was looked at by the majors before he left for the Pacific Theater in WWII. His knee was bum and his arm wasn't as strong as it once was, but the look of sheer joy on his face is one that I will always remember. Baseball keeps you young, and softball allows those of us that have gone to pot to taste a little bit of that again.

So close to closing on our house. Had some minor repairs done to the house and need to paint a couple of spots before everything can be finalized. I will be busy this week and for the rest of the foreseeable future. This Skirt Turtle is about to move into a new shell. Wahoo!

Weekend Kids in Hall Choke

2008-04-27T14:34:00.001-06:00

Yard Sale - day 1.

We still managed to sell some big ticket items like the $20 dollar bike and the $4 Xbox. Hoo boy we were rolling in the dough. So liquid was our financial situation that we began instantly delving into the profits for malts!

Closing up shop, we napped, showered, and dressed in our best for a night of hilarity at The Kids In The Hall!!!!!! I took Alicia for her Birthday. When a show begins with raping Kevin McDonald, you know you're in for a good time.
Things I learned
- legs are magical, hilarious limbs. That one's due to Bruce Mculloch.
- characters must get crazier until they die. This one is due to the Secretary on meth, and It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (If that show doesn't end in a blood bath, I will be disappointed.)
- A good prop will save a sketch. That's due to the egg shooting chair the Chicken Lady sat on.
- Self deprecation is king. That's due to the whole group... and Ellie.
- Squishing heads will always be funny, at least to me.

A night of laughter behind us we went to relax at the Bulldog where I saw someone I know from Chicago improv, Minneapolis improv, or TV. We were just stopping for a minute before we headed to St. Anthony's Main for Choke, the movie based on Chuck Palahniuk's novel. It was great and very true to the book. Some of the B story was glazed over and the tangential folklore from the book was omitted, but the core story was dead fucking on. Palahniuk seems to write books that are made for easy adaptation.

It was nice to squeeze two and a half dates into one night. Alicia needed to celebrate her birthday, our new home, and our relation ship. Aww, love.

Yard Sale - day 2

Some more big items went. The TV, the mattress/boxspring, the Sears brand stereo. We still have some more so I think we will do one more day next Saturday and see if we can't clear some of this stuff out. Everything else will end up at Savers.

Time for a shower, and Improv A Go Go.

Snow, Falls, Game, 4 Sale, @ Walmart

2008-04-26T00:47:00.001-06:00

Sweet Holy God it's snowing. What, in the name of all that is good and sacred, have we done to deserve this kind of weather torture? Jesus Henry Christ! Hmmmaybe it's all the blaspheming?

Titans of TC Improv, Ferrari McSpeedy, fell before the formidable Rampleseed. It was close but the upstarts took it by 3 votes. Congrats RS. It was like Rocky II. I wonder if Ferrari McSpeedy will train Rampleseed to take on the Soviet Menace.

ActiVision should make an improv video game where you perform, like Rock Band. Only to "yes and" you hit A R1 B up, up, left. To declare you would hit left, right, B, R3. And to do something physical you shake the nun while pointing the chuck. I may be getting my systems mixed up, but I'd buy the game. There could be a training mode that put you in class with senior citizens and a foreign guy.

Having the garage sale tomorrow. I'm excited to see who's crazy enough to come out in the late April snow to a garage sale. We had a guy come up to our door this afternoon and just start asking questions about what we are selling and if he could poke around early. What the hell? I guess it doesn't hurt to ask, but it seems weird to me. It's a creepy subculture.

Walmart's commercials about going green are the boldest lie on TV right now. Two little brats pushing t-shirts made out of recycled bottles. Is it really effective recycling if everyone buys a t shirt? Isn't recycling most effective when paired with reuse, and moreso, reduce? Also, what about the 99.9% of their business that is crazy destructive to the environment/ humanity/ small towns/ children/ small business/ women's rights/worker's rights/ etc.? They are pretty cool t shirts...

Alicia and I close on our house in two weeks! We'll probably have another garage sale next weekend unless by some miracle it turns into beautiful day and we sell out. Come by, reuse our stuff. I'm guessing the creepy guy will be back, I'll point him out.

Turtles, Sales, and TVs

2008-04-23T08:53:00.001-06:00

This is the first blog that is being simulcast on blogger and myspace. I'm just figuring out the blogger, but it is at josheakright.blogspot.com I think.

Anyway, the Skirt Turtles got smoked. The buzzin' bees* are a force to be reckoned with but one that can be beat. We had 'em. Our team is coming together. Still need to work on fundamentals. On a personal note: Pulled my goddamn groin muscle in batting practice. That led to a quad strain which led to a pulled hammy. Gotta take care of the body, moron! I think I'm 8 years old when I get out there. I can't help it. I generally think I am the age that any situation requires. Softball = 8, WWII trivia = 85, buying a home = 8.

*They started the game with less than the required number of females which they had replaced with giant men. Strategy.

The rest of the week will be in preparation for a garage sale! Alicia and I are selling some of our earthly possessions in order to ease the moving process when we move into our new home in May. It's gonna be great. We have some good stuff that needs to go. Whatcha want? We got it. Need a new microwave? An early 90s record player/ tape deck? A TV? An original NES with Double Dribble and Goonies II? Come on by this Saturday and Sunday starting from 9am til 3pm. 4845 Bryant Ave. S.!

TV is blowing my mind this morning.

First of all, the Breast Cancer walk commercial. Let me first say that I am against breast cancer. I hate cancer. It seems like everyone gets it and I wish it would go away. However, there's this blubbering, boa - wearing, woman on their commercial. This woman bothers me because she says, "I finally feel like I've had my say [about her mother dying from breast cancer]". What "say" would you have? Hey cancer, knock it off! You're a bad cancer. Look at cancer, he knows what he did. C'mon!

Then I saw a commercial with a morbidly obese woman crying about her back pain and how the only thing that would help is marijuana. First, I'm in favor of the legalization of marijuana. I don't use it, but it's silly to me that it's criminal. Second, this woman should not be the face of the cause. She has the option to lose weight and relieve her back pain. She is taking the easy way out by smoking marijuana. If marijuana gets her up and exercising, great, but what about the people who need it for problems that can't be fixed with some effort.

And why is Paul Douglas acting so mysterious? In the promo for his interview with KARE 11 (bitter?) he says, "I may pop up somewhere when you least expect it." In my kitchen? That would freak me out. I wonder if he's seriously considering doing Dude Weather. That would be unexpected.