Old News! 10/8 - 10/10

With the hopes of increasing the math and science scores of American schoolchildren President Obama has proposed to lengthen the school year. So far it has only increased the numbers of uneducated protesters.






American Girl has released a new doll who's back story tells a sad tale about her father abandoning her and her mother, forcing them to live on the streets. For just $95 your daughter can have that doll or this homeless person.










The Twins beat the Tigers 6 to 5 in the twelfth to win a playoff bid. This just in Detroit has committed suicide.






A bronze statue of Helen Keller was unveiled at the U.S. Capitol on Wednesday, or was it?






Scientists at NASA have discovered a supersized ring around Saturn -- one so large that it would take 1 billion Earths to fill it. Saturn has been flaunting all up in Uranus' face. Putting Neptune in a pretty awkward situation. Ooh I love space gossip.

Old News! 10/1 - 10/3

President Obama will be in Denmark this weekend to ask they bring 2012 Olympics to Chicago, and if it's not too much trouble, their healthcare system.


After their deal with Penske fell through, General Motors announced plans to discontinue Saturn. If you are an auto worker, this move will greatly effect Uranus.











When filmmaker Roman Polanski was arrested Saturday in Switzerland, Swiss filmmaker Otto Weisser said he was "ashamed to be Swiss, that the Swiss is doing such a thing to brilliant fantastic genius." Adding, "He's a brilliant guy, and he made a little mistake 32 years ago." That's right, you don't become a big mistake until you're 18.


Inside Detroit's Wayne County morgue in midtown, 67 unclaimed bodies are stacked in the freezer because the county can't afford to bury the corpses. Due to this final step towards hell on earth, sodomy will now be known as - detrointercourse or getting detrintimoit.

Old News 9/24 - 9/26!

Chinese President Hu Jintao told a U.N. summit on climate change Tuesday that China will reduce greenhouse gas emissions in coming years. Presiding over a population of one billion, Hu outlined specific steps such as: cutting emissions of carbon dioxide, developing renewable energy sources, and the institution of a no-fart day.










In a 96-minute address in his first appearance before the United Nations, Qaddafi broached conspiracy theories, took aim at the structure and the actions of the Security Council, and referred to President Obama as "my son," fueling rumors that Obama is also Libyan.






According to rap artist, Common, hip-hop is finding a new direction with more rappers abandoning vacuous materialistic ideals and the glorification of vices plaguing American communities citing the reason for the movement to “the Obama effect."

Meanwhile, the United States is experiencing a bullet shortage due to gun enthusiasts stocking up on ammo, in part because they fear President Barack Obama and the Democratic-controlled Congress will pass antigun legislation, crediting the shortage to “the Obama effect.” Also due to the Obama effect – Dancing Tom Delay!






The Value Voters Summit, an annual conference that brings together members of the GOP's conservative Christian base took place this week. Speakers at the event included Tim Pawlenty, Michelle Bachmann, and Michael Schwartz, the Chief of Staff to Republican Oklahoma Senator Tom Colburn, who stated, "All pornography is homosexual pornography” Said the blind man with hairy palms, “Oh Great!”








Scientists claim they have found water on the moon, mostly due to splashback from the turlet.

Old News 9/17 - 9/19!

Patrick Swayze, the hunky actor who danced his way into viewers' hearts with Dirty Dancing died Monday after a battle with pancreatic cancer at the age of 57. He will be cremated and put in a corner.







A new study of toddlers from low-income families found that spanking may have detrimental effects on behavior and mental development and is only effective when demonstrating that WalMart ain’t no playground! Dang!









Scientists have discovered the first confirmed Earthlike planet outside our solar system. The planet named CoRoT-7b doesn’t rotate and is so close to the star it orbits that it’s temperature ranges from minus-328 degrees Fahrenheit to above 3,600 degrees Fahrenheit. Molten hell fire on one side, frozen solid on the other – just like Earth.












Former President Jimmy Carter said that he believes that the outbursts at the town hall meetings and the disrespect from the congress are due to racism targeted at Barack Obama, our first Kenyan President.

Old News 9/11 - 9/12!

South Carolina’s Republican Representative Joe Wilson shocked many observers Wednesday night when he shouted, "YOU LIE!" He continued, “LEELOLALOW HA HA! I’M BUSTED! DAMN IT! MY BAD, PRESIDENT OBAMA! THIS OUTBURST WAS DISRESPECTFUL TO YOUR POSITION, THE CONGRESS, AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE! I APOLOGIZE ALTHOUGH I HAVE A FEELING IT’S TOO LATE BECAUSE I’M GETTING WORD THAT MY DEMOCRATIC OPPONENT, IN THE 2010 CONGRESSIONAL RACE, ROB MILLER, JUST RECEIVED 100 THOUSAND DOLLARS IN CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS! OOH, I WONDER IF YELLING HIS NAME DURING YOUR NATIONALLY TELEVISED ADDRESS WAS A GOOD IDEA! 700 THOUSAND! MILLER’S GOT 700K! WOW THIS WAS A BAD MOVE ON MY PART! IT’S LIKE EVERYONE ALREADY HATES ME. WAIT! NOT EVERYBODY! I HAVE RAISED 200 THOUSAND DOLLARS! THAT MAKES IT A LITTLE BETTER! WELL, I’M GONNA STOP YELLING AND LET YOU GET BACK TO YOUR VERY FORMAL SPEECH ABOUT A VERY SERIOUS MATTER! ALLOW ME TO ASSIST YOU IN PICKING UP WHERE YOU LEFT OFF, YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!”





Former U.S. Sen. Norm Coleman has been diagnosed with Bell's palsy, a temporary condition that has paralyzed the left side of his face. But as a former democrat who switched parties to prolong his political career, Norm’s used to having two faces.










Women’s 800 meter gold medalist, Caster Semenya underwent testing to determine her gender after destroying the rest of the field at the World Championships in Berlin. Those test determined that she has no ovaries, but rather has internal testes. Rumors first started due to her masculine build, record breaking performances, and because if you say her name slowly it sounds like Caster’s – a – man – yeah.





A British research team has found that children with low self-esteem are more likely to be obese as adults. When asked for a comment Fat Albert stated, “Hey hey hey, how come no one’s listening to me? Hey, hey, hey it’s probably because I don’t matter.”











Archaeologists digging in a cave in the Eurasian country of Georgia have come across the world's oldest textiles: flax fibers that date back 30,000 years or more. This fiber is believed to have been part of a caveman’s tie.











Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres will join the judges' panel on "American Idol" for the show's ninth season. After a long tradition of celebrating gay men it’s nice to see them hiring a straight one.

Old News 9/3 - 9/5

When responding to a report of three teens pulling the classic ding dong ditch on Governor Pawlenty a State trooper fell and injured his hip. The trooper was quoted as saying “Kew kew kew”










Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein's was discovered dead in his Manhattan apartment next to a crack pipe, a half bag of crack cocaine, and prescription drugs. This is the sad end to a series of brushes with death Goldstein experienced that included a plane crash, and being engaged to Nicole Richie.











According to the Hong Kong-based brokerage firm CLSA, Palin will be the keynote speaker at their 16th annual investor's conference in Hong Kong. Palin, however, is not on the same page as the event organizers stating, “I’m not going anywhere near that giant monkey!”










The H1N1 flu has hit the Minnesota State Fair, prompting 4-H officials to send more than 100 children home after four tested positive for the disease. When asked for a comment this pig said, "Waachoo!"

Old News 8/27 - 8/29

Editor's note: The first joke was in the show but never received the uproarious laughter it deserved - enjoy my failure.

The Lion of the Senate died on Tuesday giving the title of most powerful legislator to...



Senator Shark!!!





Veteran comedian Sunda Croonquist has had a lot of success with her "mother-in-law" jokes, but her mother-in-law is suing the comic for making her the butt of too many jokes. Isn’t that just like a mother in law. I tell ya, I’m trying to get my mother in law out for some ice fishing before the ice gets to thick. Ooh! This guy knows what I’m talking about! My mother in law’s other car is a broom. Don’t get me wrong, my mother in law has a beautiful face… two of ‘em!

17-year-old, Mike Perham became the youngest person to sail solo around the world when he returned to UK waters. During his nine-month, 30,000 mile voyage he battled 50ft waves, gale force winds and constant boners.



For years, Indian producers have been knocking off Hollywood films scene-for-scene and turning them into Bollywood blockbusters. Now, after years of ignoring the plagiarism, American moviemakers have begun suing their counterparts in India. Also implicated in the lawsuit:

Dollywood


Plywood

Smallywood